My Way When He Hits the Highway

Deployment is soul sucking. There are no breaks, even when you get a sitter you're still on call. Your kids need more from you than you ever thought you'd have to give and because you're all alone the patience reserve is low. There is a dull ache of worry and heartbreak you carry like a sack of potatoes every moment of the day. All of these stressors can get the best of you quite quickly. It's easy to feel a little woe is me, but no matter how overwhelming it all can be you have to put on the Mom jeans and deal. With many separations under my belt I have come to accept its going to be hard... but there are things I can do to lift my spirits. I try to find things that make me happy and focus my attention on those outlets. So what do I do to get by? I embrace my quirks, and here are three things I have come to love about deployments....

*My Way All Day- You might be looking forward to a lazy Saturday afternoon, but Dad has made other plans. Yard work maybe, or his buddy has a softball game and they need a outfielder. But on deployment, I get to make all the plans! Woo Hoo! Who wants to go to the MALL? (Yes you can ride the train as long as you are quiet while I spent 20 minutes at Sephora trying all kinds of lotions and potions). I can stay in the pool all day, I can let laundry pile up. Early bedtime? Ok! PB&J for dinner? Sounds great Mom! I don't have to answer to anyone, my agenda is all that matters and that is really nice sometimes.

*Hyper-Organization- I admit, I am a bit of an OCD housekeeper. It's not that my home is always super clean, but I like my cleaning schedule and knowing that everything has a place. So while Dad is gone, no one is messing up my neatly stacked, fold facing out towel piles. The kids aren't allowed to track mud in on Tuesday or Friday (clean floor day, thanks for remembering before you let them splash in mud puddles Hun). I can line up my drinks in the fridge, label out. The kids always put their toys away in exactly the right spot because I can oversee it all. Let's face it, unless you want to make yourself (and your man) coo-koo this is not a regular reality. But while he's gone, I love opening my pantry and knowing everything is exactly where it should be...label out.

*Remote CONTROL- No matter how cool your man is, there are shows he is just not into. And they are always the most awesome ones like Real Housewives of anywhere and HBO anything. I can only deal with so much huffing and eye-rolling before I change the channel. But guess what? He's not here and I really need the mental vacay! I get to stay up late with a bowl of popcorn, a 16 & Pregnant marathon and zero judgements (oh be honest, like you don't watch trash too).

I miss him all the time, but finding a little happiness goes a long way in preventing the sad spiral. When I can go to sleep knowing we're all organized and full on mindless TV I wake up wanting to do it again for one more day. After a while I can stop counting the days and start counting the weeks. When he's home a happy chaos rules, and I don't really miss my way. Because having Dad around means doing it "our" way. And together is always the best way.

Don't Cry Over Spilled.... Cheesecake

This last Christmas Dan was gone. My kids were sick and one had puked all over my bed the night before. My Mom was having some health issues. It was the forth year in a row he was gone over the holidays. To top it off it was our first in our new house and I was about 5 months pregnant. I was so depressed! I tried to remind my self I was fortunate to have family coming in for the holidays, but I just couldn't shake the sadness. I wanted him home, I was sick and tired of making the best of it for my kids. I wanted my whole family together, and I was only hanging on by a very frayed thread.

Because I couldn't have what I really wanted (wine) I spent a lot of the time baking... and eating. I had been perfecting my mother in law's famous cheese cake recipe, and was planning on serving it Christmas Eve. I spent about an hour prepping and mixing, and as I was bringing it to the oven the bottom on my spring form pan gave out. I had cheesecake on the floor, all over the oven, and I just stood over it crying. It was such a metaphor for the deployment, no matter how hard I tried to make it ok, it wasn't. After a minute, I wiped my nose and stood up to grab some paper towels when I noticed a delivery van in the driveway. A split second later there was a man with a huge bouquet of flowers standing at my door.

"Just Keep Going" the card read. I was sobbing and my hands were shaking, it was like a message from God right to my heart. (A Christmas Miracle perhaps?) They weren't from any of the usual suspects: my sweet Man, or my best friend. The flowers were from a few of my high school friends with whom I had recently reconnected. These girls, who had almost no connection to the military, and who a year earlier had no idea what happened to me, sent me a lifeline. It came at just the last moment, right as I was breaking down. I was reminded that someone's gotta clean up the cheesecake, and for now that person is me. I might not have my partner to lean on but I would get up everyday and continue to move forward. That glimmer of love kept me going until he got home. I still keep the card on my fridge not just as a reminder of how much a small gesture can keep someones spirits alive, but also so I never forget to "Just Keep Going." No matter how many cheesecakes I drop.

Don't Wait for the Baby Weight

It always seems to be right around two months postpartum that I start feeling really fat. Right after having the little man, weight was dropping off at an astounding rate, and most of it was gone in the first few weeks. But as any Mom will tell you there are always the last few (or in my case 15) pounds that don't want to budge. My old clothes don't fit, and I'll be dammed if I'm wearing maternity anything for one more day. So while I feel so much better after looking like the size of a house for months, I am not where I want to be. Entering my closet feels like walking into a torture chamber. Reminding myself I JUST HAD A BABY (while slightly reassuring) still leaves me asking... what the hell am I going to wear?

I do love my yoga pants, but something about putting on sweats to hit the grocery store because nothing else fits is utterly depressing. And it's summer in florida which means I will not only look lazy, I'll look sweaty, fat and lazy. Not a good combo for the old ego. A lot of people have advise on this, but it usually comes down to flowey tops (ehh, really? The goal is not to look like I'm wearing more maternity tops), leggings (no way. I didn't have a baby in my butt, but it looks like it when the behind is encased in anything close to spandex-ey material), or empire waist dresses (again, maternity and not cute if you need to whip out a boob).

So even though I hate spending money on clothes I know won't fit me for long (god willing) It must be done. So I begrudgingly size up in jeans or capri's. Yes it sucks. But I only buy a couple and (sad as it sounds) I would prefer to be seen as fat than mistaken for pregnant. I buy those jersey skirts, you know the a-line style with a fold over waist? Perfect for summer and you always feel a little dressed up even though they are so totally comfortable they might as well be yoga pants! And finally, my ace in the hole, a v-neck top. Guys will be too busy checking out the jugs to notice the belly (enjoy the rack before they turn into saggy grammy boobs you can tuck into your pants) and lets face it, it's about the only thing you got going for ya right now!

So when someone tires to tell you about these awesome drawstring waist shorts they lived in post baby, remind them that the last thing you need is fabric gathered around your "problem areas" and drive your juicy booty on over to the nearest Target or Old Navy and grab a few things that fit. You deserve to feel good looking in the mirror. Just make sure it's machine washable. Because no matter how good you feel rocking it, no one likes a cute outfit with a sour milk smell.

*DISCLAIMER- I am not a fashionista, so take all of the above with a grain of salt and look forward to Mom Mania's first guest blog from my talented fashion writer and stylist sister (who also just became a Mom! Welcome baby Macey who spends her time just laying around being perfect). I'm sure her post baby style focused tips will not include the pajama jean.

Laundry Day is Everyday

I have been dealing with a lot of transitions lately. Adjusting to baby number three is the big one, but there have been others as well. Daddy headed out again, and both my "big" kids are entering new phases in their lives. All of these changes, while mostly good (except the Daddy leaving part), reminds of the biggest transition I made almost five years ago when I went from married and working to a Stay at Home Mom. I wish I could say it was easy, and I just fit right into it, but I struggled. I missed adult conversations and having a reason to change out of my PJ's every day. I was fortunate to be surrounded by some AH-mazing (and thankfully more experienced) Stay at Home Mom's. They lovingly and patiently passed on their wisdom over wine nights and walks. So while I find myself muddling through these current transitions, I have a good foundation of knowledge to stand on. Being a Stay at Home Mom is the most wonderful job I've had but the learning curve is steep. Since I learned from the best, I figured I'd better share some of the rules I learned to live by....

*Staying at home is a job, give yourself a lunch break everyday.
*If you clean the house a little everyday, you'll almost never have to devote an entire Saturday to it.
*Keep your kids on a routine. You need to know nap time (sanity break) is coming.
*Pack snacks that keep kids busy like raisin boxes or string cheese.
*Yes, juice boxes really are that cool. Bubbles are even cooler.
*If things don't have a home you will spend half your day moving them from one spot to another.
*Laundry day is every day.
*Go outside. Go for a walk, go to the store, play in the yard, just get out.
*Take a shower, even if you have to put a kid in a play pen.
*It's totally cool to rock the sweat pants every day, just make sure they're cute sweats!
*Sometimes kids just have to cry it out.
*If you wanna be the sheriff you gotta lay down the law.
*Whenever you schedule a well baby appointment also schedule a hair appointment. It's time.
*You are not a hawk so baby-proof.
*If another SAHM says "Call Me" she means it. She hasn't talked to an adult all day either.
*When in doubt just keep going.

Sometimes in a laundry, lunch, and diaper frenzy we can forget how lucky we are to be the one to collect all the little moments that make a childhood. Say thank you to the man who makes your job possible. And then tell him to handle bed time while you have a glass of wine. You've earned it.

The Family Vacation

Summertime is upon us already! The sun is shining and we are all looking forward to summertime activities, swimming, running through the sprinkles, BBQ's and ice cream outings are always favorites. But there is one summertime activity that always makes me crazy. The family vacation. Of course we look forward all year to a little get away. As the excitement builds so does the need for organization. Sort of like the Spring not-so-much-of-a Break, Mom duties intensify and down time dwindles. Wheather you're headed to Grandma's, camping or making the childhood pilgrimage to Disney World you can expect chaos. While it's so super dooper fun for you kids, it's a lot of work for us.

Traveling with kids takes planning. Gone are the days of throwing a bikini and flip flops in a bag and hitting the open road. As a Mom, we have to pack for every possible outcome. Will it rain? Better grab rain coats. Going to swim? Don't forget the sunscreen, towels and life jackets. Thinking about hiking? Make sure you have the proper shoes, stroller or carrier and bandaids for the inevitable blister. If you're flying you might wonder is it actually possible to pack an entire toy chest in an airline approved carry on bag? Of course this list doesn't even cover extra clothes, snacks, lovey's and diapers! Phew... I'm tired already!

Once you arrive, you're going to have to address another slew of issues. Hotel rooms are small, and NOT child friendly. Ever. Grandma's house is a bit easier, (she at least TRIES to make it safe) and popping up a tent while the kids explore isn't too bad either. But be warned, as soon as you arrive, no matter how tired you are, the children will be bouncing off the walls! And so begins the long days of grueling back to back to back on the go activities. The kids who are still splashing in the water park at dusk belong to smart parents who realize that if they are not dead on their feet before going back to the room, no one is going to get any rest. Routines go out the window and my kids always get a case of the "we're in public so whacha really gonna do to me if I don't listen" attitude. Don't get me started on sugar highs and junk food overloads.

No matter what craziness ensues, every vacation has those special moments that make it all worth it. The face of a little girl who meets Cinderella ( OMG *squeal* She's sooooo pretty Mom)! Catching their first fish! Roasting marshmallows, or hearing your Mom tell your kids the same story she told you before bed. Best of all is listening the sound of sweet little sighs as they drift off to sleep knowing today was the best day Of. Their. Lives. So while you dread dragging back a week's worth of laundry and can't wait to sleep in you own bed, they will never forget these defining experiences of their childhood. When it comes to the family vacation, pack for the worst and relax. This is supposed to be fun... remember?

The Clause

As the weeks of enjoying my newborn roll by and he is changing and growing every day, one thing remains the same. I am so FREAKIN tired. Like dead on my feet, nodding off in my morning coffee, should I even be driving when I am this tired, exhausted. I know all the tricks. I sleep when the baby sleeps, I go to bed early, I use the sun to keep my natural rhythms on track and exercise (energy breeds energy ladies!) to try to trick my body into feeling rested. But the bottom line remains, I would kill for a good eight hours.

With each child I get more and more tired. The demands on my day time routine intensify. There is preschool, activities, shopping, errands, cooking cleaning... oh my! Napping windows shrink. All of these jobs we Mom's do suddenly become an overwhelming mountain of obligation. When you have not slept in more than a month longer than a couple hours at a time your mind will start to go a little loopy. Not only do I become forgetful, but I can also be crabby. Really crabby.

If you're anything like us and the baby cries in the middle of the night, no one moves. We think, well maybe that was a fluke. Of course it was not and the screaming intensifies. We both still pretend to be in a deep sleep hoping the other will get up. Eventually one of us says something snippy like "Oh don't worry I'll get the baby. After all I only have work/preschool drop off/doctors appointments in three hours" and begrudgingly gets out of the cozy bed. We're both tired and we're not really mad, but sometimes we spout our frustrations at the wrong target. After all we can't tell the baby to lock. it. up. (I've tried, they just don't get it and continue to cry until you feed them. Weird, I know). Which is why my husband and I have a policy. We call it the Temporary Insanity Clause, it was implemented shortly after the birth of my oldest and we swear by it. Without it I would not have had baby number two or three, and probably not the happy marriage either!

The rule is this; anything you say between the hours of 11pm and 5 am can not be used against you. Now we don't have to sheepishly apologize to each other in the morning knowing full well we were jerks. It alleviates the guilt. After all we can't help it, we're tired! I can just look in his bloodshot eyes and we both crack up knowing lack of sleep does CA-razy things to a person. Just to be clear this is not a license to bitch, and if you're not nice during the day (well... most of the time anyway), this may not work. But if your usually sweet self is sometimes replaced by a midnight gremlin, don't beat yourself up. Invoke the Temporary Insanity Clause and all will be forgotten. Middle of the night rants are to be expected, and this may just save your marriage.... or at least your pride. You're welcome.

Can I get an Upgrade?

It never fails. A Mom from a previous generation will stop by for coffee and comment on all the the new baby contraptions we have today. "You have it soo easy!" they always say. I can't tell you how many times my own mother has commented on how instead of a vibrating chair she would put us in a laundry basket on top of the washing machine. I agree, raising babies has gotten easier with all the new products, but have never experienced first hand the old-timers perspective... until now. And all I can say is wow! Things have changed in just the couple of years since I had my last baby. I can tell the Motherhood Mafia has been demanding some upgrades... and now I am reaping the benefits (insert evil laugh Bwah hahaha). Here are two of the awesome upgrades I have experienced.

*Motorized Swing with a PLUG IN*
No more spending all your savings on batteries! Nope, now a ten pack of D batteries will actually last me longer than a week. Who cares if the swing is the only place the baby will sleep? Plug that swing in and get your five hours Mama!

*Jogging Stroller with an iPod Dock*
Oh yeah, rock out while you get out! If you're like me, walks have always saved me during the newborn months. I could get a little exercise, see the sun and break up the monotony of a long day at home with baby. But I always missed my tunes. No longer! Now I can make a walk-that-baby-weight-off play list, plug in and jam out! Since my last jogger (RIP) was held together with duct tape (no I am not joking, and yes I did use it anyway... for a year) I am totally saving up for one of these.

These two upgrades are so simple and yet so smart! I can't help but think "Why didn't I think of that?" (Oh wait... Mommy Brain). A big thank you to the Mom's who made these happen! What are the upgrades you can't live without?

The Floater

Let me set the scene for you, it's a beautiful sunny day. My kids are in the pool splashing and jumping, my amazing husband is nursing a beer and tending to our garden. I am sitting on the edge, dangling my feet in the cool water and enjoying my own adult beverage and smiling to myself. "What a perfect family I have! I am so lucky!" And then it happens. I notice a small dark shadow near the surface and as I shade my eyes to get a better look I hear "A poop! A poop! MOM. Harrison just pooped in the pool!" Sure enough that dark shadow is indeed... a floater. Damn It!

Yup, it's potty training time around here, and just when we think we have it down something like this happens. As I am scooping poop I think how fortunate I am it happened where it did, because trust me it could have been, much much worse. I have cleaned diarrhea off my comforter, picked up pellet poops out of the closet, and of course, caught the-running-to-the-bathroom-trail down the leg. Potty training sucks. It takes a long time and the day you feel confident enough to leave the change of clothes behind is the day you see a saggy bottom at the grocery store.

With both of my "big kids" I spent weeks obsessing over it, developing a plan, acquiring training essentials. I tried to decide what I really wanted to accomplish. Did I want to be totally diaper free? Was I willing to let them sleep at night with a pull up? I focused on days, mostly because I am fortunate enough to have kids that sleep twelve hours at night, and even I can't hold it that long. And believe me when I tell you I tried it all. Potty parties with Betsy Wetsy and Everybody Poops. Shopping trips for big kid underoos and reward toys. I have let them run necked for DAYS, until I realized its way more fun to pee in the kitchen then on the potty. Duh Mom. I have given candy for every pee (two for every poop) that made it in the bathroom. I have dinged egg timers every five minutes in a pavlovian attempt to brainwash the little monsters. But there really was no magic formula.

Even with all these grand efforts there was only one person trained. And it was me. What I learned was that they decide when it's time, and it's never on my agenda. Almost no matter what you do, if they're not ready it aint gonna happen! But have faith, and be consistent because just when you think the poor child will be in old pappy pampers before they get it, they do just that. It clicks. They get it. Until that happens my only helpful advise is this, keep a change of clothes in your car and do not invest in new carpets until they're twelve.

A Mothers Day Gift

Dear MOM'S

I just want you to know that the Mania recognizes all you do, the never ending cleaning up of poo, the continuous sock sorting and the lunches packed with just the right kind of crackers but not the purple juice box. These are jobs only a Mom does best, and never ever have my kids said "Thanks Mom for rescuing my pink ruffle sock from the lint trap... again." I'm guessing your's have not either. Fact: it's a thankless job. Except on Mothers Day. On Mothers Day our kids and our husband will say thanks! On Mothers Day we get homemade cards lovingly designed in preschool! On Mothers Day something special will happen reminding us how much we are adored, appreciated, even worshiped for the well oiled machine called our life we run every day.

We hope.

And if it doesn't happen that way we feel sad and deflated. I mean we devote everyday to you naughty little munchkins, can you just give us ONE DAY?

So while this blog is my gift to you Mom's, it's not actually written for you. It's for your husbands and for your children... consider it a token of my affection. It's for all the crusts you've cut off and all the matchbox cars you've tripped over. The Mania appreciates it all. So feel free to forward, and I hope you get exactly what you deserve, some freakin PEACE and QUIET. And maybe a new lock for the bathroom door.

OK Dad's and Children!

Here are ingredients to the PERFECT Mothers Day:

*Let Mom sleep in. Until at least 10.
*When she wakes up, have coffee ready and breakfast figured out. If you don't cook make sure you pick up something sinful like cinnamon rolls.
*Do the breakfast dishes.
*Ask her what she wants to do for the day.

If she says she doesn't know you must have a plan. You see guys this is where it gets tricky. She wants time off, but feels compelled to engage in family time, which inevitably leads to engaging in Mom duties. This is exactly what we are trying to avoid. So HAVE A PLAN.

Some great ideas:
-Mani/Pedi
-Massage
-Day in Bed with a Good Book
-Trip to the Mall with a crisp $100 bill and instructions not to come home without something nice for herself.
-A baby sitter she didn't know was coming and an afternoon with her Man!
-New Sunglasses, junk magazines, directions to the lake/river/ocean and instructions to relax by the water.

While she is out, you'll have to step up your game. DO NOT let her come home to a messy house. Under no circumstances are there to be dishes in the sink, toys on the floor or floaters in the toilet. You have to keep it clean, and if you really want to rock her world, mop, clean a bathroom, or do laundry. When she returns from the afternoon off, you will be staring at a new woman. She will look youthful, refreshed! Congrats! But your job is not done yet. Tell her to relax, because it is almost time for dinner and you got this covered too. (Just smile when her jaw hits the ground, and she tells you how much she loves you).

*Make dinner/Order take out/Take her out. Just Do. Not. Make. Her. Cook. Got it?
*Do dishes.
*Put kids to bed while she calls her Mom, or best friend and brags about what an awesome day she just had.
*Give her a big hug, tell her you're exhausted and have no idea how she does it EVERY DAY.

Good luck Dad's and Children. The Mania has faith that you can pull this one off. Make it her best Mothers Day ever. After all, she makes your life better every day. Doesn't that deserve a little thanks?

Just Dont.

The Mania has just increased ten fold because we had our baby! Of course we are overjoyed and completely in love with our new little man. As I heard it said once, I'm obsessed! He is wonderful and perfect in every way. In fact everything is perfect... except... well... except when I leave the house. Blame it on the lack of sleep, or nine months of hormones leaving my system, but the ridiculous things people say to me are getting old. Already. So here it is... Things to NEVER Say to a New Mom.

*Are you getting any rest?
It's clear you are not a Mom because a Mom would know the answer to that is DUH. Have you ever met a newborn?

*When are you due?
Do you see my stroller? How about the spit up on my shoulder? Diaper Bag? No? Well then all I have to say to you is do they fix stupid?

*Baby weight is so stubborn...
Just Don't. My uterus is still the size of Texas, I am making enough milk to hydrate a small army, and I am seriously considering getting depends with the amount of fluid exiting my vag. So DO. NOT. GO. THERE.

*Whats the baby's name? Oh, well that's different/interesting.
Yes it is. That's the point! To express the unique beauty that is OUR child. And when you name YOUR baby something off the top ten baby names of all time list I'll be sure to say "What a common name!" Until then, zip your conforming lips.

*Do you need anything?
Um well since you asked.... I could use a meal, someone to watch my kids while I nap, my floors need mopping and my lawn could use a good mow. But you're just being polite and don't really intend to do anything for me right? So we're fine, and no you can't "stop by" to hold the baby.

I know the 4th trimester can be tough. It's exhaustion like you've never known, it's lumps and bumps and fluids leaking out of every cavity. But here's the thing, you have a beautiful baby. The newborn days disappear before you know it, don't let the stupidity of others ruin what will become blissful memories. Oh and just one little tip to get you through until you can fit into anything without elastic and are awake enough to care... Pajama Jean. Try it.