As the weeks of enjoying my newborn roll by and he is changing and growing every day, one thing remains the same. I am so FREAKIN tired. Like dead on my feet, nodding off in my morning coffee, should I even be driving when I am this tired, exhausted. I know all the tricks. I sleep when the baby sleeps, I go to bed early, I use the sun to keep my natural rhythms on track and exercise (energy breeds energy ladies!) to try to trick my body into feeling rested. But the bottom line remains, I would kill for a good eight hours.
With each child I get more and more tired. The demands on my day time routine intensify. There is preschool, activities, shopping, errands, cooking cleaning... oh my! Napping windows shrink. All of these jobs we Mom's do suddenly become an overwhelming mountain of obligation. When you have not slept in more than a month longer than a couple hours at a time your mind will start to go a little loopy. Not only do I become forgetful, but I can also be crabby. Really crabby.
If you're anything like us and the baby cries in the middle of the night, no one moves. We think, well maybe that was a fluke. Of course it was not and the screaming intensifies. We both still pretend to be in a deep sleep hoping the other will get up. Eventually one of us says something snippy like "Oh don't worry I'll get the baby. After all I only have work/preschool drop off/doctors appointments in three hours" and begrudgingly gets out of the cozy bed. We're both tired and we're not really mad, but sometimes we spout our frustrations at the wrong target. After all we can't tell the baby to lock. it. up. (I've tried, they just don't get it and continue to cry until you feed them. Weird, I know). Which is why my husband and I have a policy. We call it the Temporary Insanity Clause, it was implemented shortly after the birth of my oldest and we swear by it. Without it I would not have had baby number two or three, and probably not the happy marriage either!
The rule is this; anything you say between the hours of 11pm and 5 am can not be used against you. Now we don't have to sheepishly apologize to each other in the morning knowing full well we were jerks. It alleviates the guilt. After all we can't help it, we're tired! I can just look in his bloodshot eyes and we both crack up knowing lack of sleep does CA-razy things to a person. Just to be clear this is not a license to bitch, and if you're not nice during the day (well... most of the time anyway), this may not work. But if your usually sweet self is sometimes replaced by a midnight gremlin, don't beat yourself up. Invoke the Temporary Insanity Clause and all will be forgotten. Middle of the night rants are to be expected, and this may just save your marriage.... or at least your pride. You're welcome.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Can I get an Upgrade?
It never fails. A Mom from a previous generation will stop by for coffee and comment on all the the new baby contraptions we have today. "You have it soo easy!" they always say. I can't tell you how many times my own mother has commented on how instead of a vibrating chair she would put us in a laundry basket on top of the washing machine. I agree, raising babies has gotten easier with all the new products, but have never experienced first hand the old-timers perspective... until now. And all I can say is wow! Things have changed in just the couple of years since I had my last baby. I can tell the Motherhood Mafia has been demanding some upgrades... and now I am reaping the benefits (insert evil laugh Bwah hahaha). Here are two of the awesome upgrades I have experienced.
*Motorized Swing with a PLUG IN*
No more spending all your savings on batteries! Nope, now a ten pack of D batteries will actually last me longer than a week. Who cares if the swing is the only place the baby will sleep? Plug that swing in and get your five hours Mama!
*Jogging Stroller with an iPod Dock*
Oh yeah, rock out while you get out! If you're like me, walks have always saved me during the newborn months. I could get a little exercise, see the sun and break up the monotony of a long day at home with baby. But I always missed my tunes. No longer! Now I can make a walk-that-baby-weight-off play list, plug in and jam out! Since my last jogger (RIP) was held together with duct tape (no I am not joking, and yes I did use it anyway... for a year) I am totally saving up for one of these.
These two upgrades are so simple and yet so smart! I can't help but think "Why didn't I think of that?" (Oh wait... Mommy Brain). A big thank you to the Mom's who made these happen! What are the upgrades you can't live without?
*Motorized Swing with a PLUG IN*
No more spending all your savings on batteries! Nope, now a ten pack of D batteries will actually last me longer than a week. Who cares if the swing is the only place the baby will sleep? Plug that swing in and get your five hours Mama!
*Jogging Stroller with an iPod Dock*
Oh yeah, rock out while you get out! If you're like me, walks have always saved me during the newborn months. I could get a little exercise, see the sun and break up the monotony of a long day at home with baby. But I always missed my tunes. No longer! Now I can make a walk-that-baby-weight-off play list, plug in and jam out! Since my last jogger (RIP) was held together with duct tape (no I am not joking, and yes I did use it anyway... for a year) I am totally saving up for one of these.
These two upgrades are so simple and yet so smart! I can't help but think "Why didn't I think of that?" (Oh wait... Mommy Brain). A big thank you to the Mom's who made these happen! What are the upgrades you can't live without?
Friday, May 14, 2010
The Floater
Let me set the scene for you, it's a beautiful sunny day. My kids are in the pool splashing and jumping, my amazing husband is nursing a beer and tending to our garden. I am sitting on the edge, dangling my feet in the cool water and enjoying my own adult beverage and smiling to myself. "What a perfect family I have! I am so lucky!" And then it happens. I notice a small dark shadow near the surface and as I shade my eyes to get a better look I hear "A poop! A poop! MOM. Harrison just pooped in the pool!" Sure enough that dark shadow is indeed... a floater. Damn It!
Yup, it's potty training time around here, and just when we think we have it down something like this happens. As I am scooping poop I think how fortunate I am it happened where it did, because trust me it could have been, much much worse. I have cleaned diarrhea off my comforter, picked up pellet poops out of the closet, and of course, caught the-running-to-the-bathroom-trail down the leg. Potty training sucks. It takes a long time and the day you feel confident enough to leave the change of clothes behind is the day you see a saggy bottom at the grocery store.
With both of my "big kids" I spent weeks obsessing over it, developing a plan, acquiring training essentials. I tried to decide what I really wanted to accomplish. Did I want to be totally diaper free? Was I willing to let them sleep at night with a pull up? I focused on days, mostly because I am fortunate enough to have kids that sleep twelve hours at night, and even I can't hold it that long. And believe me when I tell you I tried it all. Potty parties with Betsy Wetsy and Everybody Poops. Shopping trips for big kid underoos and reward toys. I have let them run necked for DAYS, until I realized its way more fun to pee in the kitchen then on the potty. Duh Mom. I have given candy for every pee (two for every poop) that made it in the bathroom. I have dinged egg timers every five minutes in a pavlovian attempt to brainwash the little monsters. But there really was no magic formula.
Even with all these grand efforts there was only one person trained. And it was me. What I learned was that they decide when it's time, and it's never on my agenda. Almost no matter what you do, if they're not ready it aint gonna happen! But have faith, and be consistent because just when you think the poor child will be in old pappy pampers before they get it, they do just that. It clicks. They get it. Until that happens my only helpful advise is this, keep a change of clothes in your car and do not invest in new carpets until they're twelve.
Yup, it's potty training time around here, and just when we think we have it down something like this happens. As I am scooping poop I think how fortunate I am it happened where it did, because trust me it could have been, much much worse. I have cleaned diarrhea off my comforter, picked up pellet poops out of the closet, and of course, caught the-running-to-the-bathroom-trail down the leg. Potty training sucks. It takes a long time and the day you feel confident enough to leave the change of clothes behind is the day you see a saggy bottom at the grocery store.
With both of my "big kids" I spent weeks obsessing over it, developing a plan, acquiring training essentials. I tried to decide what I really wanted to accomplish. Did I want to be totally diaper free? Was I willing to let them sleep at night with a pull up? I focused on days, mostly because I am fortunate enough to have kids that sleep twelve hours at night, and even I can't hold it that long. And believe me when I tell you I tried it all. Potty parties with Betsy Wetsy and Everybody Poops. Shopping trips for big kid underoos and reward toys. I have let them run necked for DAYS, until I realized its way more fun to pee in the kitchen then on the potty. Duh Mom. I have given candy for every pee (two for every poop) that made it in the bathroom. I have dinged egg timers every five minutes in a pavlovian attempt to brainwash the little monsters. But there really was no magic formula.
Even with all these grand efforts there was only one person trained. And it was me. What I learned was that they decide when it's time, and it's never on my agenda. Almost no matter what you do, if they're not ready it aint gonna happen! But have faith, and be consistent because just when you think the poor child will be in old pappy pampers before they get it, they do just that. It clicks. They get it. Until that happens my only helpful advise is this, keep a change of clothes in your car and do not invest in new carpets until they're twelve.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
A Mothers Day Gift
Dear MOM'S
I just want you to know that the Mania recognizes all you do, the never ending cleaning up of poo, the continuous sock sorting and the lunches packed with just the right kind of crackers but not the purple juice box. These are jobs only a Mom does best, and never ever have my kids said "Thanks Mom for rescuing my pink ruffle sock from the lint trap... again." I'm guessing your's have not either. Fact: it's a thankless job. Except on Mothers Day. On Mothers Day our kids and our husband will say thanks! On Mothers Day we get homemade cards lovingly designed in preschool! On Mothers Day something special will happen reminding us how much we are adored, appreciated, even worshiped for the well oiled machine called our life we run every day.
We hope.
And if it doesn't happen that way we feel sad and deflated. I mean we devote everyday to you naughty little munchkins, can you just give us ONE DAY?
So while this blog is my gift to you Mom's, it's not actually written for you. It's for your husbands and for your children... consider it a token of my affection. It's for all the crusts you've cut off and all the matchbox cars you've tripped over. The Mania appreciates it all. So feel free to forward, and I hope you get exactly what you deserve, some freakin PEACE and QUIET. And maybe a new lock for the bathroom door.
OK Dad's and Children!
Here are ingredients to the PERFECT Mothers Day:
*Let Mom sleep in. Until at least 10.
*When she wakes up, have coffee ready and breakfast figured out. If you don't cook make sure you pick up something sinful like cinnamon rolls.
*Do the breakfast dishes.
*Ask her what she wants to do for the day.
If she says she doesn't know you must have a plan. You see guys this is where it gets tricky. She wants time off, but feels compelled to engage in family time, which inevitably leads to engaging in Mom duties. This is exactly what we are trying to avoid. So HAVE A PLAN.
Some great ideas:
-Mani/Pedi
-Massage
-Day in Bed with a Good Book
-Trip to the Mall with a crisp $100 bill and instructions not to come home without something nice for herself.
-A baby sitter she didn't know was coming and an afternoon with her Man!
-New Sunglasses, junk magazines, directions to the lake/river/ocean and instructions to relax by the water.
While she is out, you'll have to step up your game. DO NOT let her come home to a messy house. Under no circumstances are there to be dishes in the sink, toys on the floor or floaters in the toilet. You have to keep it clean, and if you really want to rock her world, mop, clean a bathroom, or do laundry. When she returns from the afternoon off, you will be staring at a new woman. She will look youthful, refreshed! Congrats! But your job is not done yet. Tell her to relax, because it is almost time for dinner and you got this covered too. (Just smile when her jaw hits the ground, and she tells you how much she loves you).
*Make dinner/Order take out/Take her out. Just Do. Not. Make. Her. Cook. Got it?
*Do dishes.
*Put kids to bed while she calls her Mom, or best friend and brags about what an awesome day she just had.
*Give her a big hug, tell her you're exhausted and have no idea how she does it EVERY DAY.
Good luck Dad's and Children. The Mania has faith that you can pull this one off. Make it her best Mothers Day ever. After all, she makes your life better every day. Doesn't that deserve a little thanks?
I just want you to know that the Mania recognizes all you do, the never ending cleaning up of poo, the continuous sock sorting and the lunches packed with just the right kind of crackers but not the purple juice box. These are jobs only a Mom does best, and never ever have my kids said "Thanks Mom for rescuing my pink ruffle sock from the lint trap... again." I'm guessing your's have not either. Fact: it's a thankless job. Except on Mothers Day. On Mothers Day our kids and our husband will say thanks! On Mothers Day we get homemade cards lovingly designed in preschool! On Mothers Day something special will happen reminding us how much we are adored, appreciated, even worshiped for the well oiled machine called our life we run every day.
We hope.
And if it doesn't happen that way we feel sad and deflated. I mean we devote everyday to you naughty little munchkins, can you just give us ONE DAY?
So while this blog is my gift to you Mom's, it's not actually written for you. It's for your husbands and for your children... consider it a token of my affection. It's for all the crusts you've cut off and all the matchbox cars you've tripped over. The Mania appreciates it all. So feel free to forward, and I hope you get exactly what you deserve, some freakin PEACE and QUIET. And maybe a new lock for the bathroom door.
OK Dad's and Children!
Here are ingredients to the PERFECT Mothers Day:
*Let Mom sleep in. Until at least 10.
*When she wakes up, have coffee ready and breakfast figured out. If you don't cook make sure you pick up something sinful like cinnamon rolls.
*Do the breakfast dishes.
*Ask her what she wants to do for the day.
If she says she doesn't know you must have a plan. You see guys this is where it gets tricky. She wants time off, but feels compelled to engage in family time, which inevitably leads to engaging in Mom duties. This is exactly what we are trying to avoid. So HAVE A PLAN.
Some great ideas:
-Mani/Pedi
-Massage
-Day in Bed with a Good Book
-Trip to the Mall with a crisp $100 bill and instructions not to come home without something nice for herself.
-A baby sitter she didn't know was coming and an afternoon with her Man!
-New Sunglasses, junk magazines, directions to the lake/river/ocean and instructions to relax by the water.
While she is out, you'll have to step up your game. DO NOT let her come home to a messy house. Under no circumstances are there to be dishes in the sink, toys on the floor or floaters in the toilet. You have to keep it clean, and if you really want to rock her world, mop, clean a bathroom, or do laundry. When she returns from the afternoon off, you will be staring at a new woman. She will look youthful, refreshed! Congrats! But your job is not done yet. Tell her to relax, because it is almost time for dinner and you got this covered too. (Just smile when her jaw hits the ground, and she tells you how much she loves you).
*Make dinner/Order take out/Take her out. Just Do. Not. Make. Her. Cook. Got it?
*Do dishes.
*Put kids to bed while she calls her Mom, or best friend and brags about what an awesome day she just had.
*Give her a big hug, tell her you're exhausted and have no idea how she does it EVERY DAY.
Good luck Dad's and Children. The Mania has faith that you can pull this one off. Make it her best Mothers Day ever. After all, she makes your life better every day. Doesn't that deserve a little thanks?
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Just Dont.
The Mania has just increased ten fold because we had our baby! Of course we are overjoyed and completely in love with our new little man. As I heard it said once, I'm obsessed! He is wonderful and perfect in every way. In fact everything is perfect... except... well... except when I leave the house. Blame it on the lack of sleep, or nine months of hormones leaving my system, but the ridiculous things people say to me are getting old. Already. So here it is... Things to NEVER Say to a New Mom.
*Are you getting any rest?
It's clear you are not a Mom because a Mom would know the answer to that is DUH. Have you ever met a newborn?
*When are you due?
Do you see my stroller? How about the spit up on my shoulder? Diaper Bag? No? Well then all I have to say to you is do they fix stupid?
*Baby weight is so stubborn...
Just Don't. My uterus is still the size of Texas, I am making enough milk to hydrate a small army, and I am seriously considering getting depends with the amount of fluid exiting my vag. So DO. NOT. GO. THERE.
*Whats the baby's name? Oh, well that's different/interesting.
Yes it is. That's the point! To express the unique beauty that is OUR child. And when you name YOUR baby something off the top ten baby names of all time list I'll be sure to say "What a common name!" Until then, zip your conforming lips.
*Do you need anything?
Um well since you asked.... I could use a meal, someone to watch my kids while I nap, my floors need mopping and my lawn could use a good mow. But you're just being polite and don't really intend to do anything for me right? So we're fine, and no you can't "stop by" to hold the baby.
I know the 4th trimester can be tough. It's exhaustion like you've never known, it's lumps and bumps and fluids leaking out of every cavity. But here's the thing, you have a beautiful baby. The newborn days disappear before you know it, don't let the stupidity of others ruin what will become blissful memories. Oh and just one little tip to get you through until you can fit into anything without elastic and are awake enough to care... Pajama Jean. Try it.
*Are you getting any rest?
It's clear you are not a Mom because a Mom would know the answer to that is DUH. Have you ever met a newborn?
*When are you due?
Do you see my stroller? How about the spit up on my shoulder? Diaper Bag? No? Well then all I have to say to you is do they fix stupid?
*Baby weight is so stubborn...
Just Don't. My uterus is still the size of Texas, I am making enough milk to hydrate a small army, and I am seriously considering getting depends with the amount of fluid exiting my vag. So DO. NOT. GO. THERE.
*Whats the baby's name? Oh, well that's different/interesting.
Yes it is. That's the point! To express the unique beauty that is OUR child. And when you name YOUR baby something off the top ten baby names of all time list I'll be sure to say "What a common name!" Until then, zip your conforming lips.
*Do you need anything?
Um well since you asked.... I could use a meal, someone to watch my kids while I nap, my floors need mopping and my lawn could use a good mow. But you're just being polite and don't really intend to do anything for me right? So we're fine, and no you can't "stop by" to hold the baby.
I know the 4th trimester can be tough. It's exhaustion like you've never known, it's lumps and bumps and fluids leaking out of every cavity. But here's the thing, you have a beautiful baby. The newborn days disappear before you know it, don't let the stupidity of others ruin what will become blissful memories. Oh and just one little tip to get you through until you can fit into anything without elastic and are awake enough to care... Pajama Jean. Try it.
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