Last night I watched Date night, have you seen it? It's pretty funny and since I adore both Steve and Tina (yeah we're on a first name basis), it was a well spent couple of hours. It was obviously far fetched, but there was one part that I could totally relate to. Steve's character continually leaves drawers open and Tina's character inevitably bumps into them. You can just see her seethe each time, and I realized it's just like my house. The kids are doing irritating things, and just because it's not done purposely doesn't mean it still won't drive me batty. If you came to my house, on any given day, you will probably hear the following....
*"Who ate all the banana's?" (You would think they were dipped in chocolate and makes them poop Polly Pockets the way my kids eat them.)
*"Why are there underpants in the living room?" (If you can't bring them to the laundry room, why is it so hard to Keep. Them. ON?)
*"Super Boots, If you don't get home quick I can not guarantee that we'll all be alive." (Often followed by "And please bring wine and straight jackets." They sell those at liquor stores right?)
*"I just mopped those floors!" (I swear as soon as I mop, something is spilled, tracked in or colored on. I just want ONE hour where my house is clean, just ONE!)
*"The toilet is bunged up again? OK, lets go over this one more time, you do not need to use the whole roll when you poo. FOR REAL." (I don't like to see a skid mark but why is the entire roll necessary when wiping? WHY GOD? WHY?)
*"Why is the baby crying? He can't be hungry, I just fed him!" (I spend half my life feeding that kid. Not even kidding.)
*"Seriously, stop poking the dogs in the eyes. They don't like it." (Really? You do know they WILL bite you if you hurt them and I will NOT feel bad right?)
It's the little things that kill, and you just KNOW Tina gets it. Because she's awesome like that. And a Mom. So my life is nothing like Date Night, but THAT part was so much like my house. Annoying. But funny... after a while.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Don't Negotiate with Terrorists
In my house, I am in charge. Now, I may be holding court by a very slim margin... after all I am outnumbered three to one, but each day I continue to maintain my authority. However, the nature of kids is that they are almost ALWAYS attempting a coup. They think they are going to take over but I have several strategies to defend my territory. In fact it's quite similar to how our government deals with terrorists..... below are some effective tactics to use.
Stress positions- Our government makes terrorists sit on their knees with their arms stretched behind them, and while this seems a bit harsh for a two year old, I do employ the age old punishment of sending my kids to Time Out. And as they get older Time Out turns into Nose and Toes facing a corner. It may be the perfect interrogation tactic. For example "Tell me who painted with toothpaste or I will put you both in Time Out (aka a stress position)". It does work quite effectively and comes highly recommended from CIA and parents alike.
Sensory derivation- Now at GITMO (a terrorist prison), the terrorists are sent into prison cells, with no sunlight and limited contact with others. And as much as I may wish I could pop my kids into a locked cell while I enjoy a long phone call, CPS may frown on that behavior. But never fear Mommy's! You too can utilize sensory deprivation tactics by sending naughty children to their rooms. They miss out on all the "fun" and once released, tend to conform to the warden's (ie my) rules.
Zero Tolerance- Airports have taken a strict position on potential threats, they call it a zero tolerance stance. For example, once someone threatens a bomb in their shoe, every single person must take off their shoes for inspection any time they enter the "secure area". I follow the same rule with my kids. Once one child colors on the walls of their bedrooms with maker, each child must be patted down before every nap. There is no room for exception... if I don't want my house to resemble a graffiti plastered skate park.
Don't Negotiate With Terrorists- Seemingly easy to follow, I find myself struggling with this one most frequently. You see they ALWAYS have a reason why they needed to do what they did, and if you let them explain they expect negotiations to follow. There is no room for discussion, you break the rules you suffer the consequences. It's about the only thing me and old G.W. saw eye to eye on.
Our government describes a terrorist as "a radical who employs terror as a weapon; usually organizes with other terrorists." Hmmm..... sounds like kids to me! So when you are at home, and dealing with your little ones remember that your position of power must be constantly defended. Children, like terrorists, seek out your weaknesses and target them repeatedly. The trick is to keep security on full alert and stay one step ahed at all times. Do not underestimate the children, no matter how small and adorable they seem... they are a threat.
Stress positions- Our government makes terrorists sit on their knees with their arms stretched behind them, and while this seems a bit harsh for a two year old, I do employ the age old punishment of sending my kids to Time Out. And as they get older Time Out turns into Nose and Toes facing a corner. It may be the perfect interrogation tactic. For example "Tell me who painted with toothpaste or I will put you both in Time Out (aka a stress position)". It does work quite effectively and comes highly recommended from CIA and parents alike.
Sensory derivation- Now at GITMO (a terrorist prison), the terrorists are sent into prison cells, with no sunlight and limited contact with others. And as much as I may wish I could pop my kids into a locked cell while I enjoy a long phone call, CPS may frown on that behavior. But never fear Mommy's! You too can utilize sensory deprivation tactics by sending naughty children to their rooms. They miss out on all the "fun" and once released, tend to conform to the warden's (ie my) rules.
Zero Tolerance- Airports have taken a strict position on potential threats, they call it a zero tolerance stance. For example, once someone threatens a bomb in their shoe, every single person must take off their shoes for inspection any time they enter the "secure area". I follow the same rule with my kids. Once one child colors on the walls of their bedrooms with maker, each child must be patted down before every nap. There is no room for exception... if I don't want my house to resemble a graffiti plastered skate park.
Don't Negotiate With Terrorists- Seemingly easy to follow, I find myself struggling with this one most frequently. You see they ALWAYS have a reason why they needed to do what they did, and if you let them explain they expect negotiations to follow. There is no room for discussion, you break the rules you suffer the consequences. It's about the only thing me and old G.W. saw eye to eye on.
Our government describes a terrorist as "a radical who employs terror as a weapon; usually organizes with other terrorists." Hmmm..... sounds like kids to me! So when you are at home, and dealing with your little ones remember that your position of power must be constantly defended. Children, like terrorists, seek out your weaknesses and target them repeatedly. The trick is to keep security on full alert and stay one step ahed at all times. Do not underestimate the children, no matter how small and adorable they seem... they are a threat.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Shut Up, It's the Law
I recently read an article where Gisele (a famous model for those of you who don't know who she is) said she would like to see a breast-feeding law. As in, you have to breast feed your baby for at least six months because IT'S THE LAW. I wanted to smack her. There is no disputing it's the best food for your baby, but this is an extremely personal decision. What about babies who are in the NICU or have to be fed through a tube? What about the Mommy's who have jobs that do not allow much time or space for pumping? (Ever tried pumping in a bathroom on a 15 minute break? Not fun). What about babies who just don't want to do it? I was shocked by her ignorance.
I am breastfeeding. As I have said before, I am totally obsessed with the new little man.... and he is obsessed with my boobs. He smiles when he see's them, and his favorite spot to sleep is nuzzled in between the cleavage. But I struggled to breast feed my first, it took her almost two weeks to latch on properly, and I pumped, and taped tubes to my boobs, and didn't sleep AT ALL. Eventually we got it down, but she decided she was not into the boobs and rejected me way before I was ready to give it up. So with my second, and now again I cherish every feeding. I can feel my body relax when he starts gulping and I love that he is a noisy eater. However breastfeeding brings several challenges, and even though I know I won't stop anytime soon, it's just not that easy.
For one thing, if you're going to do it, you have to be comfortable doing it out in the open. Now, I am not exactly shy, but there is something about whipping it out at the mall that makes me uncomfortable. And if I am not relaxed it's not a great time for him either. There is also the issue of sleep. As in there's not a lot of it. Breast milk is digested so easily that is often won't keep them full in the same way a bottle of formula will. Also all of the resposibility falls on your shoulders, you cant take you boobs off to hand off a feeding. And since you have to be cautious about what you eat, and drink, it limits your lifestyle. Let's face it, breastfeeding is hard work and takes commitment.
Here's the deal, if you are feeding your baby you are a good Mom. If you try to breastfeed and it doesn't work for you, you are still doing the best thing for your child by FEEDING THEM. Babies have been fed formula for years, and they all have turned out just fine. So don't feel guilty if breast feeding doesn't work for you or your lifestyle. And you have my vote to make it a law that dumb models should shut up and look pretty. Because no one should feel bad about taking care of their baby in whatever way they see fit.
I am breastfeeding. As I have said before, I am totally obsessed with the new little man.... and he is obsessed with my boobs. He smiles when he see's them, and his favorite spot to sleep is nuzzled in between the cleavage. But I struggled to breast feed my first, it took her almost two weeks to latch on properly, and I pumped, and taped tubes to my boobs, and didn't sleep AT ALL. Eventually we got it down, but she decided she was not into the boobs and rejected me way before I was ready to give it up. So with my second, and now again I cherish every feeding. I can feel my body relax when he starts gulping and I love that he is a noisy eater. However breastfeeding brings several challenges, and even though I know I won't stop anytime soon, it's just not that easy.
For one thing, if you're going to do it, you have to be comfortable doing it out in the open. Now, I am not exactly shy, but there is something about whipping it out at the mall that makes me uncomfortable. And if I am not relaxed it's not a great time for him either. There is also the issue of sleep. As in there's not a lot of it. Breast milk is digested so easily that is often won't keep them full in the same way a bottle of formula will. Also all of the resposibility falls on your shoulders, you cant take you boobs off to hand off a feeding. And since you have to be cautious about what you eat, and drink, it limits your lifestyle. Let's face it, breastfeeding is hard work and takes commitment.
Here's the deal, if you are feeding your baby you are a good Mom. If you try to breastfeed and it doesn't work for you, you are still doing the best thing for your child by FEEDING THEM. Babies have been fed formula for years, and they all have turned out just fine. So don't feel guilty if breast feeding doesn't work for you or your lifestyle. And you have my vote to make it a law that dumb models should shut up and look pretty. Because no one should feel bad about taking care of their baby in whatever way they see fit.
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