Lost at Sea

About six months ago we took Mini Boots to see a pediatric neurologist. There was the language disorder, but he wasn't socializing at school. He couldn't sit still during circle time. He wasn't sharing. And even though he knew all of his academics, he wouldn't pay attention during structured time. The teachers started throwing around words like Autism, and spectrum disorders.

I guess it wouldn't surprise anyone to know that during that time I started really running. Not just to get some exercise, but running until my legs were shaking, and one more mile was never enough. I felt if I ran far enough, fast enough I could escape my fears. And I was very afraid. More fearful than I have ever been. But at the appointment they didn't say Autism. They didn't say spectrum disorder. What they did say was every early indicator of ADHD.

And now six months later he is struggling even more than he has. His hyperactivity is debilitating. Our last professional described it as "one of the most extreme cases we have seen in a child his age." He is always moving. It is visibly painful for him to sit still even for half a minute. His therapies are becoming less and less effective, as he can not focus long enough to gain the benefits. His delays are becoming more substantial. At school he is so impulsive that his teachers are overwhelmed. But then again, we are too.

Super Boots and I have tried any and every home program to help, from diet to behavior modification programs, to increasing his physical activity. But he is still this way. It is not getting better, it just seems to get worse. It's starting to have an impact on our other children. Not unexpectedly the stress of keeping him constantly supervised and redirected and disciplined and caught being good, and everything else we do for him and the other two is taking a toll on us. But more than that, we MISS him. He is lost in a violent sea of constant motion and we can't seem to reach him. The pain of him slipping away is destroying me moment by moment, one day at a time.

So we are looking into medication. Something we never thought we would do. Something we hoped to avoid has become unavoidable. Yes he is young. But without? He will struggle everyday. After therapies don't work well enough, diets don't help enough, and professionals all agree its time to do this, we are listening. I'm listening because things have been so tough for him every single day, and I want him to feel happy, proud and peaceful. I'm hoping he gets to be himself again. Because who he is, well it's pretty amazing.