Summertime is upon us already! The sun is shining and we are all looking forward to summertime activities, swimming, running through the sprinkles, BBQ's and ice cream outings are always favorites. But there is one summertime activity that always makes me crazy. The family vacation. Of course we look forward all year to a little get away. As the excitement builds so does the need for organization. Sort of like the Spring not-so-much-of-a Break, Mom duties intensify and down time dwindles. Wheather you're headed to Grandma's, camping or making the childhood pilgrimage to Disney World you can expect chaos. While it's so super dooper fun for you kids, it's a lot of work for us.
Traveling with kids takes planning. Gone are the days of throwing a bikini and flip flops in a bag and hitting the open road. As a Mom, we have to pack for every possible outcome. Will it rain? Better grab rain coats. Going to swim? Don't forget the sunscreen, towels and life jackets. Thinking about hiking? Make sure you have the proper shoes, stroller or carrier and bandaids for the inevitable blister. If you're flying you might wonder is it actually possible to pack an entire toy chest in an airline approved carry on bag? Of course this list doesn't even cover extra clothes, snacks, lovey's and diapers! Phew... I'm tired already!
Once you arrive, you're going to have to address another slew of issues. Hotel rooms are small, and NOT child friendly. Ever. Grandma's house is a bit easier, (she at least TRIES to make it safe) and popping up a tent while the kids explore isn't too bad either. But be warned, as soon as you arrive, no matter how tired you are, the children will be bouncing off the walls! And so begins the long days of grueling back to back to back on the go activities. The kids who are still splashing in the water park at dusk belong to smart parents who realize that if they are not dead on their feet before going back to the room, no one is going to get any rest. Routines go out the window and my kids always get a case of the "we're in public so whacha really gonna do to me if I don't listen" attitude. Don't get me started on sugar highs and junk food overloads.
No matter what craziness ensues, every vacation has those special moments that make it all worth it. The face of a little girl who meets Cinderella ( OMG *squeal* She's sooooo pretty Mom)! Catching their first fish! Roasting marshmallows, or hearing your Mom tell your kids the same story she told you before bed. Best of all is listening the sound of sweet little sighs as they drift off to sleep knowing today was the best day Of. Their. Lives. So while you dread dragging back a week's worth of laundry and can't wait to sleep in you own bed, they will never forget these defining experiences of their childhood. When it comes to the family vacation, pack for the worst and relax. This is supposed to be fun... remember?
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
The Clause
As the weeks of enjoying my newborn roll by and he is changing and growing every day, one thing remains the same. I am so FREAKIN tired. Like dead on my feet, nodding off in my morning coffee, should I even be driving when I am this tired, exhausted. I know all the tricks. I sleep when the baby sleeps, I go to bed early, I use the sun to keep my natural rhythms on track and exercise (energy breeds energy ladies!) to try to trick my body into feeling rested. But the bottom line remains, I would kill for a good eight hours.
With each child I get more and more tired. The demands on my day time routine intensify. There is preschool, activities, shopping, errands, cooking cleaning... oh my! Napping windows shrink. All of these jobs we Mom's do suddenly become an overwhelming mountain of obligation. When you have not slept in more than a month longer than a couple hours at a time your mind will start to go a little loopy. Not only do I become forgetful, but I can also be crabby. Really crabby.
If you're anything like us and the baby cries in the middle of the night, no one moves. We think, well maybe that was a fluke. Of course it was not and the screaming intensifies. We both still pretend to be in a deep sleep hoping the other will get up. Eventually one of us says something snippy like "Oh don't worry I'll get the baby. After all I only have work/preschool drop off/doctors appointments in three hours" and begrudgingly gets out of the cozy bed. We're both tired and we're not really mad, but sometimes we spout our frustrations at the wrong target. After all we can't tell the baby to lock. it. up. (I've tried, they just don't get it and continue to cry until you feed them. Weird, I know). Which is why my husband and I have a policy. We call it the Temporary Insanity Clause, it was implemented shortly after the birth of my oldest and we swear by it. Without it I would not have had baby number two or three, and probably not the happy marriage either!
The rule is this; anything you say between the hours of 11pm and 5 am can not be used against you. Now we don't have to sheepishly apologize to each other in the morning knowing full well we were jerks. It alleviates the guilt. After all we can't help it, we're tired! I can just look in his bloodshot eyes and we both crack up knowing lack of sleep does CA-razy things to a person. Just to be clear this is not a license to bitch, and if you're not nice during the day (well... most of the time anyway), this may not work. But if your usually sweet self is sometimes replaced by a midnight gremlin, don't beat yourself up. Invoke the Temporary Insanity Clause and all will be forgotten. Middle of the night rants are to be expected, and this may just save your marriage.... or at least your pride. You're welcome.
With each child I get more and more tired. The demands on my day time routine intensify. There is preschool, activities, shopping, errands, cooking cleaning... oh my! Napping windows shrink. All of these jobs we Mom's do suddenly become an overwhelming mountain of obligation. When you have not slept in more than a month longer than a couple hours at a time your mind will start to go a little loopy. Not only do I become forgetful, but I can also be crabby. Really crabby.
If you're anything like us and the baby cries in the middle of the night, no one moves. We think, well maybe that was a fluke. Of course it was not and the screaming intensifies. We both still pretend to be in a deep sleep hoping the other will get up. Eventually one of us says something snippy like "Oh don't worry I'll get the baby. After all I only have work/preschool drop off/doctors appointments in three hours" and begrudgingly gets out of the cozy bed. We're both tired and we're not really mad, but sometimes we spout our frustrations at the wrong target. After all we can't tell the baby to lock. it. up. (I've tried, they just don't get it and continue to cry until you feed them. Weird, I know). Which is why my husband and I have a policy. We call it the Temporary Insanity Clause, it was implemented shortly after the birth of my oldest and we swear by it. Without it I would not have had baby number two or three, and probably not the happy marriage either!
The rule is this; anything you say between the hours of 11pm and 5 am can not be used against you. Now we don't have to sheepishly apologize to each other in the morning knowing full well we were jerks. It alleviates the guilt. After all we can't help it, we're tired! I can just look in his bloodshot eyes and we both crack up knowing lack of sleep does CA-razy things to a person. Just to be clear this is not a license to bitch, and if you're not nice during the day (well... most of the time anyway), this may not work. But if your usually sweet self is sometimes replaced by a midnight gremlin, don't beat yourself up. Invoke the Temporary Insanity Clause and all will be forgotten. Middle of the night rants are to be expected, and this may just save your marriage.... or at least your pride. You're welcome.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Can I get an Upgrade?
It never fails. A Mom from a previous generation will stop by for coffee and comment on all the the new baby contraptions we have today. "You have it soo easy!" they always say. I can't tell you how many times my own mother has commented on how instead of a vibrating chair she would put us in a laundry basket on top of the washing machine. I agree, raising babies has gotten easier with all the new products, but have never experienced first hand the old-timers perspective... until now. And all I can say is wow! Things have changed in just the couple of years since I had my last baby. I can tell the Motherhood Mafia has been demanding some upgrades... and now I am reaping the benefits (insert evil laugh Bwah hahaha). Here are two of the awesome upgrades I have experienced.
*Motorized Swing with a PLUG IN*
No more spending all your savings on batteries! Nope, now a ten pack of D batteries will actually last me longer than a week. Who cares if the swing is the only place the baby will sleep? Plug that swing in and get your five hours Mama!
*Jogging Stroller with an iPod Dock*
Oh yeah, rock out while you get out! If you're like me, walks have always saved me during the newborn months. I could get a little exercise, see the sun and break up the monotony of a long day at home with baby. But I always missed my tunes. No longer! Now I can make a walk-that-baby-weight-off play list, plug in and jam out! Since my last jogger (RIP) was held together with duct tape (no I am not joking, and yes I did use it anyway... for a year) I am totally saving up for one of these.
These two upgrades are so simple and yet so smart! I can't help but think "Why didn't I think of that?" (Oh wait... Mommy Brain). A big thank you to the Mom's who made these happen! What are the upgrades you can't live without?
*Motorized Swing with a PLUG IN*
No more spending all your savings on batteries! Nope, now a ten pack of D batteries will actually last me longer than a week. Who cares if the swing is the only place the baby will sleep? Plug that swing in and get your five hours Mama!
*Jogging Stroller with an iPod Dock*
Oh yeah, rock out while you get out! If you're like me, walks have always saved me during the newborn months. I could get a little exercise, see the sun and break up the monotony of a long day at home with baby. But I always missed my tunes. No longer! Now I can make a walk-that-baby-weight-off play list, plug in and jam out! Since my last jogger (RIP) was held together with duct tape (no I am not joking, and yes I did use it anyway... for a year) I am totally saving up for one of these.
These two upgrades are so simple and yet so smart! I can't help but think "Why didn't I think of that?" (Oh wait... Mommy Brain). A big thank you to the Mom's who made these happen! What are the upgrades you can't live without?
Friday, May 14, 2010
The Floater
Let me set the scene for you, it's a beautiful sunny day. My kids are in the pool splashing and jumping, my amazing husband is nursing a beer and tending to our garden. I am sitting on the edge, dangling my feet in the cool water and enjoying my own adult beverage and smiling to myself. "What a perfect family I have! I am so lucky!" And then it happens. I notice a small dark shadow near the surface and as I shade my eyes to get a better look I hear "A poop! A poop! MOM. Harrison just pooped in the pool!" Sure enough that dark shadow is indeed... a floater. Damn It!
Yup, it's potty training time around here, and just when we think we have it down something like this happens. As I am scooping poop I think how fortunate I am it happened where it did, because trust me it could have been, much much worse. I have cleaned diarrhea off my comforter, picked up pellet poops out of the closet, and of course, caught the-running-to-the-bathroom-trail down the leg. Potty training sucks. It takes a long time and the day you feel confident enough to leave the change of clothes behind is the day you see a saggy bottom at the grocery store.
With both of my "big kids" I spent weeks obsessing over it, developing a plan, acquiring training essentials. I tried to decide what I really wanted to accomplish. Did I want to be totally diaper free? Was I willing to let them sleep at night with a pull up? I focused on days, mostly because I am fortunate enough to have kids that sleep twelve hours at night, and even I can't hold it that long. And believe me when I tell you I tried it all. Potty parties with Betsy Wetsy and Everybody Poops. Shopping trips for big kid underoos and reward toys. I have let them run necked for DAYS, until I realized its way more fun to pee in the kitchen then on the potty. Duh Mom. I have given candy for every pee (two for every poop) that made it in the bathroom. I have dinged egg timers every five minutes in a pavlovian attempt to brainwash the little monsters. But there really was no magic formula.
Even with all these grand efforts there was only one person trained. And it was me. What I learned was that they decide when it's time, and it's never on my agenda. Almost no matter what you do, if they're not ready it aint gonna happen! But have faith, and be consistent because just when you think the poor child will be in old pappy pampers before they get it, they do just that. It clicks. They get it. Until that happens my only helpful advise is this, keep a change of clothes in your car and do not invest in new carpets until they're twelve.
Yup, it's potty training time around here, and just when we think we have it down something like this happens. As I am scooping poop I think how fortunate I am it happened where it did, because trust me it could have been, much much worse. I have cleaned diarrhea off my comforter, picked up pellet poops out of the closet, and of course, caught the-running-to-the-bathroom-trail down the leg. Potty training sucks. It takes a long time and the day you feel confident enough to leave the change of clothes behind is the day you see a saggy bottom at the grocery store.
With both of my "big kids" I spent weeks obsessing over it, developing a plan, acquiring training essentials. I tried to decide what I really wanted to accomplish. Did I want to be totally diaper free? Was I willing to let them sleep at night with a pull up? I focused on days, mostly because I am fortunate enough to have kids that sleep twelve hours at night, and even I can't hold it that long. And believe me when I tell you I tried it all. Potty parties with Betsy Wetsy and Everybody Poops. Shopping trips for big kid underoos and reward toys. I have let them run necked for DAYS, until I realized its way more fun to pee in the kitchen then on the potty. Duh Mom. I have given candy for every pee (two for every poop) that made it in the bathroom. I have dinged egg timers every five minutes in a pavlovian attempt to brainwash the little monsters. But there really was no magic formula.
Even with all these grand efforts there was only one person trained. And it was me. What I learned was that they decide when it's time, and it's never on my agenda. Almost no matter what you do, if they're not ready it aint gonna happen! But have faith, and be consistent because just when you think the poor child will be in old pappy pampers before they get it, they do just that. It clicks. They get it. Until that happens my only helpful advise is this, keep a change of clothes in your car and do not invest in new carpets until they're twelve.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
A Mothers Day Gift
Dear MOM'S
I just want you to know that the Mania recognizes all you do, the never ending cleaning up of poo, the continuous sock sorting and the lunches packed with just the right kind of crackers but not the purple juice box. These are jobs only a Mom does best, and never ever have my kids said "Thanks Mom for rescuing my pink ruffle sock from the lint trap... again." I'm guessing your's have not either. Fact: it's a thankless job. Except on Mothers Day. On Mothers Day our kids and our husband will say thanks! On Mothers Day we get homemade cards lovingly designed in preschool! On Mothers Day something special will happen reminding us how much we are adored, appreciated, even worshiped for the well oiled machine called our life we run every day.
We hope.
And if it doesn't happen that way we feel sad and deflated. I mean we devote everyday to you naughty little munchkins, can you just give us ONE DAY?
So while this blog is my gift to you Mom's, it's not actually written for you. It's for your husbands and for your children... consider it a token of my affection. It's for all the crusts you've cut off and all the matchbox cars you've tripped over. The Mania appreciates it all. So feel free to forward, and I hope you get exactly what you deserve, some freakin PEACE and QUIET. And maybe a new lock for the bathroom door.
OK Dad's and Children!
Here are ingredients to the PERFECT Mothers Day:
*Let Mom sleep in. Until at least 10.
*When she wakes up, have coffee ready and breakfast figured out. If you don't cook make sure you pick up something sinful like cinnamon rolls.
*Do the breakfast dishes.
*Ask her what she wants to do for the day.
If she says she doesn't know you must have a plan. You see guys this is where it gets tricky. She wants time off, but feels compelled to engage in family time, which inevitably leads to engaging in Mom duties. This is exactly what we are trying to avoid. So HAVE A PLAN.
Some great ideas:
-Mani/Pedi
-Massage
-Day in Bed with a Good Book
-Trip to the Mall with a crisp $100 bill and instructions not to come home without something nice for herself.
-A baby sitter she didn't know was coming and an afternoon with her Man!
-New Sunglasses, junk magazines, directions to the lake/river/ocean and instructions to relax by the water.
While she is out, you'll have to step up your game. DO NOT let her come home to a messy house. Under no circumstances are there to be dishes in the sink, toys on the floor or floaters in the toilet. You have to keep it clean, and if you really want to rock her world, mop, clean a bathroom, or do laundry. When she returns from the afternoon off, you will be staring at a new woman. She will look youthful, refreshed! Congrats! But your job is not done yet. Tell her to relax, because it is almost time for dinner and you got this covered too. (Just smile when her jaw hits the ground, and she tells you how much she loves you).
*Make dinner/Order take out/Take her out. Just Do. Not. Make. Her. Cook. Got it?
*Do dishes.
*Put kids to bed while she calls her Mom, or best friend and brags about what an awesome day she just had.
*Give her a big hug, tell her you're exhausted and have no idea how she does it EVERY DAY.
Good luck Dad's and Children. The Mania has faith that you can pull this one off. Make it her best Mothers Day ever. After all, she makes your life better every day. Doesn't that deserve a little thanks?
I just want you to know that the Mania recognizes all you do, the never ending cleaning up of poo, the continuous sock sorting and the lunches packed with just the right kind of crackers but not the purple juice box. These are jobs only a Mom does best, and never ever have my kids said "Thanks Mom for rescuing my pink ruffle sock from the lint trap... again." I'm guessing your's have not either. Fact: it's a thankless job. Except on Mothers Day. On Mothers Day our kids and our husband will say thanks! On Mothers Day we get homemade cards lovingly designed in preschool! On Mothers Day something special will happen reminding us how much we are adored, appreciated, even worshiped for the well oiled machine called our life we run every day.
We hope.
And if it doesn't happen that way we feel sad and deflated. I mean we devote everyday to you naughty little munchkins, can you just give us ONE DAY?
So while this blog is my gift to you Mom's, it's not actually written for you. It's for your husbands and for your children... consider it a token of my affection. It's for all the crusts you've cut off and all the matchbox cars you've tripped over. The Mania appreciates it all. So feel free to forward, and I hope you get exactly what you deserve, some freakin PEACE and QUIET. And maybe a new lock for the bathroom door.
OK Dad's and Children!
Here are ingredients to the PERFECT Mothers Day:
*Let Mom sleep in. Until at least 10.
*When she wakes up, have coffee ready and breakfast figured out. If you don't cook make sure you pick up something sinful like cinnamon rolls.
*Do the breakfast dishes.
*Ask her what she wants to do for the day.
If she says she doesn't know you must have a plan. You see guys this is where it gets tricky. She wants time off, but feels compelled to engage in family time, which inevitably leads to engaging in Mom duties. This is exactly what we are trying to avoid. So HAVE A PLAN.
Some great ideas:
-Mani/Pedi
-Massage
-Day in Bed with a Good Book
-Trip to the Mall with a crisp $100 bill and instructions not to come home without something nice for herself.
-A baby sitter she didn't know was coming and an afternoon with her Man!
-New Sunglasses, junk magazines, directions to the lake/river/ocean and instructions to relax by the water.
While she is out, you'll have to step up your game. DO NOT let her come home to a messy house. Under no circumstances are there to be dishes in the sink, toys on the floor or floaters in the toilet. You have to keep it clean, and if you really want to rock her world, mop, clean a bathroom, or do laundry. When she returns from the afternoon off, you will be staring at a new woman. She will look youthful, refreshed! Congrats! But your job is not done yet. Tell her to relax, because it is almost time for dinner and you got this covered too. (Just smile when her jaw hits the ground, and she tells you how much she loves you).
*Make dinner/Order take out/Take her out. Just Do. Not. Make. Her. Cook. Got it?
*Do dishes.
*Put kids to bed while she calls her Mom, or best friend and brags about what an awesome day she just had.
*Give her a big hug, tell her you're exhausted and have no idea how she does it EVERY DAY.
Good luck Dad's and Children. The Mania has faith that you can pull this one off. Make it her best Mothers Day ever. After all, she makes your life better every day. Doesn't that deserve a little thanks?
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Just Dont.
The Mania has just increased ten fold because we had our baby! Of course we are overjoyed and completely in love with our new little man. As I heard it said once, I'm obsessed! He is wonderful and perfect in every way. In fact everything is perfect... except... well... except when I leave the house. Blame it on the lack of sleep, or nine months of hormones leaving my system, but the ridiculous things people say to me are getting old. Already. So here it is... Things to NEVER Say to a New Mom.
*Are you getting any rest?
It's clear you are not a Mom because a Mom would know the answer to that is DUH. Have you ever met a newborn?
*When are you due?
Do you see my stroller? How about the spit up on my shoulder? Diaper Bag? No? Well then all I have to say to you is do they fix stupid?
*Baby weight is so stubborn...
Just Don't. My uterus is still the size of Texas, I am making enough milk to hydrate a small army, and I am seriously considering getting depends with the amount of fluid exiting my vag. So DO. NOT. GO. THERE.
*Whats the baby's name? Oh, well that's different/interesting.
Yes it is. That's the point! To express the unique beauty that is OUR child. And when you name YOUR baby something off the top ten baby names of all time list I'll be sure to say "What a common name!" Until then, zip your conforming lips.
*Do you need anything?
Um well since you asked.... I could use a meal, someone to watch my kids while I nap, my floors need mopping and my lawn could use a good mow. But you're just being polite and don't really intend to do anything for me right? So we're fine, and no you can't "stop by" to hold the baby.
I know the 4th trimester can be tough. It's exhaustion like you've never known, it's lumps and bumps and fluids leaking out of every cavity. But here's the thing, you have a beautiful baby. The newborn days disappear before you know it, don't let the stupidity of others ruin what will become blissful memories. Oh and just one little tip to get you through until you can fit into anything without elastic and are awake enough to care... Pajama Jean. Try it.
*Are you getting any rest?
It's clear you are not a Mom because a Mom would know the answer to that is DUH. Have you ever met a newborn?
*When are you due?
Do you see my stroller? How about the spit up on my shoulder? Diaper Bag? No? Well then all I have to say to you is do they fix stupid?
*Baby weight is so stubborn...
Just Don't. My uterus is still the size of Texas, I am making enough milk to hydrate a small army, and I am seriously considering getting depends with the amount of fluid exiting my vag. So DO. NOT. GO. THERE.
*Whats the baby's name? Oh, well that's different/interesting.
Yes it is. That's the point! To express the unique beauty that is OUR child. And when you name YOUR baby something off the top ten baby names of all time list I'll be sure to say "What a common name!" Until then, zip your conforming lips.
*Do you need anything?
Um well since you asked.... I could use a meal, someone to watch my kids while I nap, my floors need mopping and my lawn could use a good mow. But you're just being polite and don't really intend to do anything for me right? So we're fine, and no you can't "stop by" to hold the baby.
I know the 4th trimester can be tough. It's exhaustion like you've never known, it's lumps and bumps and fluids leaking out of every cavity. But here's the thing, you have a beautiful baby. The newborn days disappear before you know it, don't let the stupidity of others ruin what will become blissful memories. Oh and just one little tip to get you through until you can fit into anything without elastic and are awake enough to care... Pajama Jean. Try it.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
MOM-tourage
While the Motherhood Mafia is an all encompassing group, within the ranks lies a very special handful of women. You don't just get understanding from afar, no no. This group is in the trenches with you. These ladies will talk out any potty training issue you have, climb in your minivan the day after a road trip and laugh about the layer of cracker dust, and meet you at the ER to pick up your healthy kids with chicken nuggets and a don't-worry-about-a-thing-babysitting offer. These devoted and tolerant women make up your MOM-tourage. I rely on them as much as I rely on my husband, and the MOM-tourage always has my back. So who's in mine?
*No Nonsense, Don't Mess With Me Mom
She is fantastically loyal, hyper organized, and uber tough. Nothing gets by her and you can learn a lot about managing it all seamlessly from this Mom. She may come off a bit rough, but once she takes you under her wing you never have to worry about emergency help or sound advise.
*Up For Anything, Always Fun Mom
She is ready to hit the zoo on a moments notice, always up to meet at the park and loves pizza night. The two of you spend lots of time laughing and chatting over play dates. Perfect for the SAHM, she assures you you're not alone in this Mom Mania and really means it when she says "Call me anytime."
*The Know It All, Been There Done That Mom
This Mom has at least three kids and has seen it all. Her youngest is probably the same age as your oldest, and she has been through everything. Need a great pediatrician? Call her. Best schools? She's got a list and probably knows the director. At the end of your rope with temper tantrums? She'll have the creative solution you need. A great addition to your Mom-tourage, she is a wealth of knowledge and reminds you to keep muddling through.
*The Mom Who Knew You When
She was your friend when your biggest worry was what to wear on Friday night. You have been friends for years and she gets how this Mommy gig is tough for YOU. This Mom knows what you sacrificed and how you changed. She'll call you out on your BS and then tear it up at MNO (Mom's Night Out) just like the two of you did on that one wild spring break trip.
These are my core four, and I could not feel deeper devotion and adoration for them if I married them. Which I would. In a second. (Couldn't we all use a wife?) They have shared the sleeping through the night FINALY highs and lifted me out of the undiagnosed PPD lows. These are the ladies who will make sure I never again have to take my kids to a pelvic exam. So while I am a card carrying Motherhood Mafia Member, my heart belongs to my MOM-tourage.
*No Nonsense, Don't Mess With Me Mom
She is fantastically loyal, hyper organized, and uber tough. Nothing gets by her and you can learn a lot about managing it all seamlessly from this Mom. She may come off a bit rough, but once she takes you under her wing you never have to worry about emergency help or sound advise.
*Up For Anything, Always Fun Mom
She is ready to hit the zoo on a moments notice, always up to meet at the park and loves pizza night. The two of you spend lots of time laughing and chatting over play dates. Perfect for the SAHM, she assures you you're not alone in this Mom Mania and really means it when she says "Call me anytime."
*The Know It All, Been There Done That Mom
This Mom has at least three kids and has seen it all. Her youngest is probably the same age as your oldest, and she has been through everything. Need a great pediatrician? Call her. Best schools? She's got a list and probably knows the director. At the end of your rope with temper tantrums? She'll have the creative solution you need. A great addition to your Mom-tourage, she is a wealth of knowledge and reminds you to keep muddling through.
*The Mom Who Knew You When
She was your friend when your biggest worry was what to wear on Friday night. You have been friends for years and she gets how this Mommy gig is tough for YOU. This Mom knows what you sacrificed and how you changed. She'll call you out on your BS and then tear it up at MNO (Mom's Night Out) just like the two of you did on that one wild spring break trip.
These are my core four, and I could not feel deeper devotion and adoration for them if I married them. Which I would. In a second. (Couldn't we all use a wife?) They have shared the sleeping through the night FINALY highs and lifted me out of the undiagnosed PPD lows. These are the ladies who will make sure I never again have to take my kids to a pelvic exam. So while I am a card carrying Motherhood Mafia Member, my heart belongs to my MOM-tourage.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Dear Kate....
Kate Gosselin - I just have to get this off my chest....
Oh gosh I am sooooo sorry you got kicked off Dancing with the Stars. Really. I mean with all that awesome foot work and hip shaking... who are we kidding.... it's amazing you lasted as long as you did. But now that you're done I can't help but breathe a sigh of relief. I am so tired of hearing the "poor me" spiel you have dished out at every turn. Let's face it, the Kate I knew was never a victim.
Here's the deal. I used to love Jon and Kate Plus Eight. The kids were pretty cute, but she was my Mom Idol. Kate was awesome. She rocked the sweats and crazy do, never ever had a date night, and crumbs under her table were a daily disaster. She could put one kid in time out, hold one up by the arm until they realized She. Was. Not. Kidding. She'd manage four others playing play dough all while holding a conversation with the crew. It was awesome! She had a schedule for everything and made an inspirational list. (You know she won major points from me on this one). If you pissed her off, you knew it (I'd be pretty crabby with 8 kids under five too) but most of the time she was just doing her best to hold it all together. It was a lot like my life. And then came the divorce....
While there is no denying Jon was/is a total douche bag, I expected more from her. I hoped she'd WO-man up and tell the world she lost 200 lbs of dead weight and was gonna be better than ever without him. But no. She whined. And cried. And acted like she couldn't handle it. PAH-lease girl. We all know who you are. You, Kate are the don't-mess-with-me-Mom! Own it! It's why we loved you. Not many of us could have figured out how to keep up with all the chaos eight kids brings. But you did it, and did it well. You inspired me to keep my linen closet organized, make time for special Valentines Day heart shaped pancakes, and grocery shop on a budget because if you could do it I sure could!
Seriously Kate, if you say "I just have to do what's best for my kids" one more time while giving off puppy dog eyes I will smack you. Acting like you're so sad and speaking quietly into the camera just isn't working for you. You have an army of Mom's who felt empowered by your no-nonsence existence. You are a tough Bitch. So please make a list of why you can be an amazing Mom and the next time someone asks you how you do it, tell em the truth. "You put on your Mom jeans and deal, now back off because I've got eight organic lunches to pack."
Oh gosh I am sooooo sorry you got kicked off Dancing with the Stars. Really. I mean with all that awesome foot work and hip shaking... who are we kidding.... it's amazing you lasted as long as you did. But now that you're done I can't help but breathe a sigh of relief. I am so tired of hearing the "poor me" spiel you have dished out at every turn. Let's face it, the Kate I knew was never a victim.
Here's the deal. I used to love Jon and Kate Plus Eight. The kids were pretty cute, but she was my Mom Idol. Kate was awesome. She rocked the sweats and crazy do, never ever had a date night, and crumbs under her table were a daily disaster. She could put one kid in time out, hold one up by the arm until they realized She. Was. Not. Kidding. She'd manage four others playing play dough all while holding a conversation with the crew. It was awesome! She had a schedule for everything and made an inspirational list. (You know she won major points from me on this one). If you pissed her off, you knew it (I'd be pretty crabby with 8 kids under five too) but most of the time she was just doing her best to hold it all together. It was a lot like my life. And then came the divorce....
While there is no denying Jon was/is a total douche bag, I expected more from her. I hoped she'd WO-man up and tell the world she lost 200 lbs of dead weight and was gonna be better than ever without him. But no. She whined. And cried. And acted like she couldn't handle it. PAH-lease girl. We all know who you are. You, Kate are the don't-mess-with-me-Mom! Own it! It's why we loved you. Not many of us could have figured out how to keep up with all the chaos eight kids brings. But you did it, and did it well. You inspired me to keep my linen closet organized, make time for special Valentines Day heart shaped pancakes, and grocery shop on a budget because if you could do it I sure could!
Seriously Kate, if you say "I just have to do what's best for my kids" one more time while giving off puppy dog eyes I will smack you. Acting like you're so sad and speaking quietly into the camera just isn't working for you. You have an army of Mom's who felt empowered by your no-nonsence existence. You are a tough Bitch. So please make a list of why you can be an amazing Mom and the next time someone asks you how you do it, tell em the truth. "You put on your Mom jeans and deal, now back off because I've got eight organic lunches to pack."
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Hot Mom's Can Suck It
I am all about putting your best foot forward. I love a good mani-pedi as much as the next girl and have been known to spend a fortune on my hair. And I do this for me. I do it to relax, to have some girl time, and to remind myself that just because I never pee alone, I am still a woman and not just a Mom. But recently I have been noticing the dwindling number of sweat pants represented in the pre-school pick up line. There are fewer ponytails and more highlights. Hmmmm. What's going on? It seems there has been a shift of expectations for Moms, and I can't help but wonder what the heck happened?
It's the Hot Mom Phenomenon. And I hate it. Over the last several years pop culture has decided that being a Mom just isn't enough. Nope. Now you have to look good doing it. Yes, even after all night with a colicky baby. Yes, after a marathon flu bout in the house. And Yes, even after giving birth. My Mom wore hirachi's and knit shorts she sewed herself (yup) pulled up to her boobs, and nobody looked at her twice! Gramma could go to the grocery store with curlers, a house coat and slippers. I want a break too! I want to wipe spit up off my shoulder, grab a headband and still have the cashier smile at me. But living with Hot Mom Phenomenon seeping into cultural expectations means the cashier lady is going to tell herself no matter what she'll be a MILF and avert my eye contact.
Ugh. These days I seem to be the minority. I still look good when I want to, and no one can do a five minute face as well as I, but I want to be recognized for the the important stuff I do FIRST. And if I can also manage to look good a few days a week, well, that should be a bonus. Can we just give each other a break and agree that yoga pants are almost as good as regular pants? Because even if you are a "Hot Mom" you're not fooling me. I know what you have to give up (sleep) to blow dry in the morning. So when you see au-natural-with-a-side-of-spit-up-Mom, please remember you don't have to be hot to rock this job. Oh and Hot Mom's.... you can suck it.
It's the Hot Mom Phenomenon. And I hate it. Over the last several years pop culture has decided that being a Mom just isn't enough. Nope. Now you have to look good doing it. Yes, even after all night with a colicky baby. Yes, after a marathon flu bout in the house. And Yes, even after giving birth. My Mom wore hirachi's and knit shorts she sewed herself (yup) pulled up to her boobs, and nobody looked at her twice! Gramma could go to the grocery store with curlers, a house coat and slippers. I want a break too! I want to wipe spit up off my shoulder, grab a headband and still have the cashier smile at me. But living with Hot Mom Phenomenon seeping into cultural expectations means the cashier lady is going to tell herself no matter what she'll be a MILF and avert my eye contact.
Ugh. These days I seem to be the minority. I still look good when I want to, and no one can do a five minute face as well as I, but I want to be recognized for the the important stuff I do FIRST. And if I can also manage to look good a few days a week, well, that should be a bonus. Can we just give each other a break and agree that yoga pants are almost as good as regular pants? Because even if you are a "Hot Mom" you're not fooling me. I know what you have to give up (sleep) to blow dry in the morning. So when you see au-natural-with-a-side-of-spit-up-Mom, please remember you don't have to be hot to rock this job. Oh and Hot Mom's.... you can suck it.
Mom to New Mom
You had a baby and congratulations are in order! I really do wish you many congrats... but here's the deal: there are also a LOT of other things I want to tell you, New Mommy. And some of them you may not want to hear. If you have just had your first kid it would save all of us "seasoned" mothers a bit of heartache if you could just accept what I am going to boldly say. It doesn't mean we don't love you or your new baby, just that we only have a limited supply of patience... most of which is allotted to our children. So tuck this away, and if it feels harsh, try to remember it takes a true friend to tell you the hard truth.
*I get it, you're obsessed. But I'm not, so while you are only going to want to talk about your baby, try to remember to ask me how my day is. Because then I will want to call you again and believe me, you're gonna need my listening ear and sage advise.
*Even though you are new at this, your's is not the first baby to smile early/suck their thumb/respond to your voice. And no it does NOT mean it will be a genius.
*If you say "Isn't she the cutest baby you've ever seen?" to another Mom the truthful answer is no. The cutest baby a Mom has ever seen is her own, not yours.
*You're going to get lots of advise, and while you don't have to take it all, listen! Mom's can't resist passing on the oral tradition of "things you never knew you needed to know" and these little nuggets of wisdom may save your ass at two am.
*There will come a time when, no matter how insightful a Mother you have become in 7 weeks, your child will be inconsolable. They will cry for what seems like a life time. It sucks.
*Your entire day revolves around feeding them, getting them to sleep, keeping track of their poops and doing endless piles of laundry. Unfortunately no, it does not change... until they go to college.
*Functionality really is more important than aesthetics. No really, it is. Put down the butterfly burp cloth and pick up the cloth diaper.... now. Your cute top you can finally fit in will thank me.
*No you will never sleep like you did before. Ever again. (But you will not mind as much as you think you will).
*When you tell us your philosophy about baby wearing/sleep theory/discipline we all try to be polite, but as soon as you walk away we say "Well what are you gonna do? It's her first. She'll figure it out eventually."
As a new Mom you are given a lot of slack by those-of-us-who-think-we-know-better to figure it out on your own. We want you to be great, and you have to struggle a bit to feel that confidence. So in the meantime, respect those who have come before, let them help, and try to enjoy the rocky road to experience. Pretty soon you'll be the one passing out the wisdom nuggets.
*I get it, you're obsessed. But I'm not, so while you are only going to want to talk about your baby, try to remember to ask me how my day is. Because then I will want to call you again and believe me, you're gonna need my listening ear and sage advise.
*Even though you are new at this, your's is not the first baby to smile early/suck their thumb/respond to your voice. And no it does NOT mean it will be a genius.
*If you say "Isn't she the cutest baby you've ever seen?" to another Mom the truthful answer is no. The cutest baby a Mom has ever seen is her own, not yours.
*You're going to get lots of advise, and while you don't have to take it all, listen! Mom's can't resist passing on the oral tradition of "things you never knew you needed to know" and these little nuggets of wisdom may save your ass at two am.
*There will come a time when, no matter how insightful a Mother you have become in 7 weeks, your child will be inconsolable. They will cry for what seems like a life time. It sucks.
*Your entire day revolves around feeding them, getting them to sleep, keeping track of their poops and doing endless piles of laundry. Unfortunately no, it does not change... until they go to college.
*Functionality really is more important than aesthetics. No really, it is. Put down the butterfly burp cloth and pick up the cloth diaper.... now. Your cute top you can finally fit in will thank me.
*No you will never sleep like you did before. Ever again. (But you will not mind as much as you think you will).
*When you tell us your philosophy about baby wearing/sleep theory/discipline we all try to be polite, but as soon as you walk away we say "Well what are you gonna do? It's her first. She'll figure it out eventually."
As a new Mom you are given a lot of slack by those-of-us-who-think-we-know-better to figure it out on your own. We want you to be great, and you have to struggle a bit to feel that confidence. So in the meantime, respect those who have come before, let them help, and try to enjoy the rocky road to experience. Pretty soon you'll be the one passing out the wisdom nuggets.
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