The Mafia

If you see two Mom's pass each other in an aisle at the grocery store, you may notice a shared look. A nod, perhaps even a quick hello, but almost always a point of acknowledgement. It's sorta like a secret handshake, except without the germs. What's that about you may wonder? Some sort of secret club? Well you'd be right, it's the Motherhood Mafia. You know the mom's who may or may not have a minivan, say things like "because I said so" and "well, life isn't fair" without batting an eye? In the mafia. The one's who make compassionate eye contact when your kid is throwing a fit in Target as if to say "Don't worry. We've all been there." Totally in.

Recognized only by other Mom's, the Motherhood Mafia is not for the faint of heart. Once you're in, you're in for life. Iniation is not pretty. So to make it easy for you to decide if you belong to this not so exclusive group of goldfish-cracker-slinging, wipe-carring, frazzled bad-asses, I made a check list. If you can answer yes to two or more, you're in.

*You have been pooped on. Counts as two if it was a neck up situation.
*You can isolate your child's cries in a room full of screamers.
*You have been barfed on. And no spit up doesn't count.
*You consider going that third day without a shower in exchange for 10 extra minutes of sleep. Seriously.
*Purse? Uh no... diaper bag.
*You consider ponytail and tinted moisturizer "hair and makeup ready."
*You have fed your child mac-n-cheese/dinosaur chicken nuggets/PB&J for more than a week straight. For. Every. Meal.
*Public temper tantrum. Nuff said.
*You don't own bandaids that are character free, and have sent your hubby to work with my little pony on his neck.
*You have cleaned poo off a wall.
*You have peed while holding a child.
*You know the perfect mom, and kinda hate her. (It's ok, the mafia does too.)
*You can not function without coffee/diet coke/caffeine IV.

If you can't answer yes to two of these yet, you are either still pregnant or have the perfect child. In which case... give it a couple of weeks. Otherwise welcome to the Motherhood Mafia. Slogan: the hours are long, and the pay sucks, but the benefits rock. Lifetime membership guaranteed.

Tell me Lies... Sweet Little Lies

I may or may not have mentioned (totally have) that I take issue with people talking about the budda. I get it. It's big. I also may or may not have mentioned if you try to touch it I will deck you. Seriously. Why do people think it's ok to rub my belly? Not my family, but total and complete strangers. One in particular who first insulted me by asking if I am expecting twins. Really? Is that really necessary?

*** What I Said ****
No, just 9 months pregnant.

*** What I WISH I Said ***
When are you due? Oh... you're not pregnant...my bad.

So if that wasn't bad enough she then attempted to put her grubby little hands on my belly. Inside my bubble! On my person!

*** What I Said***
Hehe... (awkward ducking of belly behind grocery cart).... hehe...(even more awkward scurrying of pregnant woman pushing grocery cart quickly away from Walmart pariah lady)

***What I WISH I Said***
Dude you were just in the meat aisle, do you have salmalilla? Well I don't know either but you sure as hell didn't have time to wash so BACK OFF.


All I am saying is this. Be nice to pregnant women, LIE to them about how cute they look. Tell them they glow, tell them they are adorable. Tell them their hair has never looked better, it really doesnt matter what you say. Being nice is enough.

Just don't mistake me for Jabba the Hut because I will cut a bitch.

Spring (Not-So-Much-Of-A) Break

Today is the first day of spring break. And by break, I mean no break at all if you're a SAHM. Now if you are one of the family-vacations-to-some-place-tropical types, best of luck. To me it's the same old same old but with lots of stress keeping an entire family occupied in a small room without childproofing and at least a month of recovery. If you're the stay-at-home-and-try-to-keep-the-kids-occupied type, well welcome to my life. It's a double your work load, go crazy if I have to tell you one more time, loose your mind by Wednesday if I don't get another glass of wine now, week. Let's just say it takes more mental strategy to keep kids busy, and more patience than anyone has.

Any place you would normally take your children to entertain them, will be twice, no make that three times as crowded. The museums will be packed and the the zoo, well it'll be a zoo! Community pools, overflowing. Even your local park will have a line for the swings. This may or may not deter you depending on your tolerance of crowds, but I need a prozac to handle kids elbowing my babies out of the view window at the lions den.

My solution to spring break boredom/insanity is simple.... PLAY DATE! Call the mom's you love, make a batch of mimosa's and let the kids run amok. It's a great way to reconnect and enjoy some adult conversation. The kids can entertain themselves and believe me any SAHM will love the opportunity to break up the monotony of the Spring (Not-So-Much-Of-A) Break.

Those Hippies are on to Something....

People sometimes correlate baby wearing with dippy hippies and granola. But you don't have to wear dreadlocks and have a compost to recognize how awesome baby wearing can be. Your Dr will tell you baby wearing is shown to help with colic, reduce postpartum depression and improve intelligence. Mom's will tell you it's easier than lugging out a big a stroller on a quick errand, you can vacuum without being bothered, and even put a flailing screaming toddler in time out. All this without upsetting the newest addition...aka the tyrannical dictator who has taken over what was once your peaceful kingdom. Having tried almost every baby wearing option out there I thought I'd list a few of my fav styles.

Baby Bjorn
- It's easy to use and adjust, relatively inexpensive, baby can face in or out

Ergo and Becco Butterfly
-Cadillac's of baby wearing, a little more complicated (and spendy), but well worth it. Baby can be worn in front, on your back or hip. Good for big babies, has extra padding!

Moby Wrap and Ring Sling
-The most traditional style, wraps and pouches, allow for front, back, hip positions. Best of all... hands free breastfeeding! Ever tried to discretely feed a newborn at soccer practice/karate class/ballet lessons? Not so easy. But in one of these, add a hooter-hider for extra coverage and you are good. Yeah this why we LOVE these styles. No more creepy Joe eyeballing your side boob, or sitting in a disgusting bathroom stall while baby decides it's time to reeeeeaaaaalllllly enjoy her meal.

Baby wearing has been in the news lately, and not because of how great it is for you and your child. The sad deaths of two newborn baby's got national attention when they were smothered inside pouch slings. I remember shopping for my first and considering the exact style! Yikes. It's no longer sold, and I hope this will not deter Moms and Dad's from wearing their baby. Before you are sucked into the vortex of worry I refer to as "The Fear" remember that people have relied on baby wearing for centuries. Talk yourself off the ledge. It's safe. Embrace your inner earth mother and try a few on for size. Once you know what you like... wear that child! Birkenstocks and patchouli ARE optional.

One way or another... It's Coming Out!

As you near your due date you may begin to realize that this baby is going to have to exit your body, and there really is no easy way to do this. Your choices are either to blow out your vag after it's stretched just big enough that you fear you'll never recover, or to have the child ripped out of your uterus through a gapping hole in your belly. Now neither sound like great options to me, but most people hope for a natural course of delivery. And rightly so, the vaginal delivery is quicker to recover from as well as being better for your baby. So while not many people plan on going under the knife on the same day they have a baby, the reality is that C- sections are on the rise. There are many reasons for this, none of which we'll be getting into here, and I am of the notion that it's best to be prepared. Since I am having a scheduled Cesarean Section with my third child after two unsuccessful attempts at a vaginal delivery, I thought I'd give my list of what to expect, and a few things I can't live without post-op.

When you are packing your bag, you'll need to include a few things for you. Basic toiletries, nursing bra, comfy PJ's and a robe, as well as something to go home in... preferably that resembles PJ's or is otherwise loosey goosey and fit while you were still pregnant. If you know you are having a C-section, bring the biggest underpants you can find, and I mean the granny's that look like they could keep a small child warm. Trust me, the thought of something coming anywhere near your unhealed C-section incision is unbearable. This goes for pants as well, if you can't fit them up under your armpits just leave em at home, or pack a mumu. If you are going to nurse, be prepared for some tenderness, I brought my boppy and paced baby on that instead of on my sore belly.

After the C-section, you may shake from all the anesthesia. You may be pretty loopy from the drugs. I was always really thirsty and they never gave me enough water. I got a little swollen. The Dr's might give you pitocin to contract your uterus. Your belly will be tender, but shouldn't really hurt at first and you'll have a catheter. Once you are moved from recovery to a post-partum room, the nurses will be in and out as they check on you and your newborn. As painful as it sounds, it is a good idea to think about getting up for a walk (like to the toilet, not far) within 12-24 hours. It will hurt, but speeds recovery. This is eased by placing a pillow up against the incision, and having a strong arm to balance you. Trust me the longer you put it off the worse it is. I recommend timing it for about 20 minutes after taking meds, this gives them a chance to kick in and they'll be in full effect once you are back comfortable in bed. You may be asked to poop before you are released, and it's not as bad as it sounds, but it's not fun. I handled it better knowing it was my ticket home. Finally keep in mind that your recovery will take longer than with a vaginal delivery. You'll stay in the hospital longer and be able to accomplish less at home. But remember you just had a baby! And major surgery! For me it took about two weeks before I could be counted on to do much of anything. Do NOT push it. (I always do, but it slows recovery, and I regret it each time.) You can usually resume normal activities after about six weeks.

I had some emotional difficulties following my first two deliveries. I felt like my body let me down when it didn't progress through dilation. I felt like I should have stuck it out a bit longer when a C-section was recommended. And finally I felt like less of a woman because I did not accomplish the one thing my body was designed for. But the reality is, without C-sections my daughter or I might not have made it. Regardless of how I delivered, I did my job as a Mom and got them here safe and sound without putting myself in unnecessary jeopardy. Be sure to discuss any emotional difficulties with your Doctor as they can lead to postpartum depression. C-sections are hard, but having a baby makes it all worth it. So if you end up having one, bust out the grannies and try to stay positive because on the up side, you won't have to blow out your vag!

Big Belly Bothers

I do not have a baby bump, I have a Budda belly. I do not look like I simply shoved a basket ball under my shirt. I show about five minutes after I test positive and by eight months people assume I'm due "any day now" or expecting "double the fun." I do not gain all of my weight in my boobs, instead I seem to carry it in my upper arms, my thighs and of course my cheeks (both sets). I am just a big pregnant person, not one of those itty bitty preggo ladies everyone seems to think I should be (thanks In Touch Weekly).

I am almost term with my third baby, and I seem to be just about the same size as I was with the older two. With my first, I was pretty sick, and gained a lot of weight. With my second we were happily settled in Hawaii and my good friend would walk the hill overlooking the beach with me 5 days a week. I was in great shape, but still ended up at almost the same weight. This time, I try to get exercise, but with my first winter in 4 years it was too cold to walk regularly so I am not really a fit pregnant lady this time. And yet again, I am on course to deliver within my 5 lb range. For some reason this is exactly where my body wants to be. I know being pregnant is NOT being fat, but after I have this baby it's going to take a lot of work to loose the weight and that is totally depressing!

I did the math and between pregnancy and breastfeeding, my body has been sustaining another's life for 43 months out of the last 5 years.... no wonder I don't look like I did before kids! So this time I am gonna try to let myself off the hook for a while. I am going to love what my body has done and not hate the way it looks. I will treat the stretch marks like battle scars. I will embrace the pudgy belly and the wavy hair as physical markings of my three greatest accomplishments. Besides, someday when my kids are older they'll stumble across old pictures of me and say "Holy Crap Mom, you were hot! What happened?" I'll look em dead in the eye and say "You did." Totally worth the trade.

A Rose by Any Other Name... is Still CRAZY

Nesting is like preparation on crack. I am nesting. It's biological for women to create and cozy environment to bring their newborn baby home to. It happens throughout the pregnancy, and always seems to peak for me about a month before I'm due. However, I am not just setting up a crib and picking up diapers when I am out. Oh no, my nesting extends to every corner of the house! I am talking about dusting on top of doorways, organizing linen closets, and painting any untouched surface in this house, CRAZY!

You can imagine the level of nuttiness that ensued when my Dr realized the Braxton hicks I thought I was feeling were actually contractions! Words like "pre term" and "labor" will send any women into a tailspin. Not only are you worried about your baby, but OMG how will I ever be ready???? There is no way this house can EVER be clean enough! Why did I procrastinate on sorting through my medicine cabinet/junk drawers/garage?

My husband tells me I can be anal, I prefer organized and precise and prepared... nesting just kicks it into overdrive. So I have decided to use my pregnancy induced OCD for good instead of evil and come up with a list. For all you Mom's who don't know where to begin, here is my third-time-around list of essential items to have, and things to get done.

Must Have:

1. Boobs (or bottles, formula and nipples).
2. Diapers (2 packages newborn size).
3. Wipes (unscented).
4. Kimono style tee shirts (NOT ONSIES. The onsies can pull on their umbilical cord and cause irritation. After the cord falls off up to two weeks later, onsies are essential).
5. Preemie size pants (trust me 0-3 will be too big for at least a couple of weeks).
6. Soft cotton blankets for swaddling.
7. A place for baby to sleep, with SID's pillows (bassinet, cradle, crib, co-sleeper.... any will do for a while).
8. Swing (some will tell you this is not essential, I have not been able to survive a newborn without one. Babies are comforted by motion, the swing provides a break for your arms. You may not want to put baby down but you will need to pee, and maybe shower).
9. Pacifier (baby's need to suck. It is instinctual and eventually your finger will need to come out of their mouth... when you need to pee and maybe shower).
10. Infant, rear-facing, five-point-harness car seat. You will not be allowed to take the baby home without one.


To Do:

1. Shop for/borrow a few essentials, see list above.
2. Assemble sleeping area, and swing.
3. Find a place to hold diapering essentials (I usually have two stations, one in the living room where we spend our time, and one near sleeping area for the night-time changes).
4. Install car seat base (if you are unsure of correct procedure, any fire station will inspect your handi-work).
5. Call a friend to watch your pets, water your plants, collect your mail etc. (Call another friend in case said first friend brakes a leg or has some other lame excuse sure to send you into a panic right when your water breaks).
6. Clean your house, or at least the bathroom and kitchen. (Try to keep it clean so you dont have to yell at your husband to do it while you are timing contractions. You will be glad you did when you arrive home from the hospital).
7. Pack a bag. Include baby's take home outfit and a blanket. (The hospital will provide tee's, hats and blankets for you to use while you're there).
8. Get batteries for your camera, and/or camcorder... and place in said bag.
9. Keep at least a quarter tank of gas in your car.
10. Sleep as much as you can. Your body is going to experience an incredible physical exertion, trust me, you need your rest.

I am sure you will all have you're own bit of CRAZY to work through, remember you are not alone. Crazy pregnant ladies make prepared Mothers! So if you'll excuse me I have some more.... PREPARING to do!

***Just to be clear, I am not IN labor, nor do I expect to be anytime soon. However we are meeting with the Dr regularly to ensure these contractions don't start working this baby out before it's ready.***

My Military Man

I haven't mentioned this often in this blog, but I am married to a military man. Yup. I am an always moving, deployment surviving, mow-the-grass-even-though-it's-not-my-"job" Navy Wife. We have to be pretty strong to handle deployments. But here's the deal, none of us really like that we have to feel that way. Many of us wish we married an accountant, or an insurance salesman... a man whose passions kept them close to home, and more importantly out of harms way. Now don't get me wrong I am PROUD of his service. So proud that I am willing to sacrifice for him and to do what he does. And when I say sacrifice I do mean sacrifice.... things like 3 out of the last 4 Christmas's, and countless birthdays. Sacrifices like only spending one anniversary with him, ever.

It infuriates me when people say "I just can't imagine what I would do without MY man. I just can't even think about something happening to him." I realize they are tring to be supportive, but it sounds like they think we are less close because we have to spend time apart. That is clearly not the case. To be honest I was also unsure that I could live without him right until he left on his first (and by first I mean MY first, he'd had a few under his belt) deployment when my daughter was 9 weeks old and not sleeping through the night. But I learned how to handle an infant 24-7 on my own. I learned how to manage my normal work load and his "man chores." It was a good thing too because he left when my son was only 5 weeks old. That time I learned how to mange two kids under two in the ER at three am, and how to cope with unimaginable loss when my beloved shepherd mix Lola died. Each deployment provides me with the building blocks for the next.

When he leaves, my kids feel lost and confused so they act out. I have to be the nurturing parent who understands how sad they feel as well as the regulator who enforces rules. All the sudden i have to take out the garbage, get the oil changed, and mow the grass (although I am notorious for letting this one go). Inevitably something breaks, leaks or needs immediate attention despite your lack of knowledge. One time my car broke down, another time I found water in the basement/garage. I closed on our house with a power of attorney and an antsy two year old in a stroller. I have had to call exterminators, plumbers, home appraisers and beg for their speedy assistance and hope they don't overcharge me because they know Hubby isn't around to know better. With every deployment I learn that can handle more, survive better.

But just to be clear, I don't WANT to! I really do not want to do it without him. Each time I somehow manage to juggle it all, and we all get through it. When he comes home, I sometimes crumble and cry. I always hug and kiss him, and then I sleep. I recharge my batteries by shopping with girlfriends and long afternoons at the hair salon. I get sitters when I can, and try to soak the family time up. Because sooner or later he'll have to leave again. I will sacrifice that time because I love him and I am so very proud of my military man.

Mommy Brain

I have Mommy Brain. Bad. What is this Mommy brain I speak of? Well for those of you who have not yet enjoyed the frantic last few months of pregnancy, followed by the chaotic first few months of child rearing, I'll enlighten you. You know that feeling where you walk into a room and you can't remember why you went in to the room in the first place? And instead of turning around and laughing at your self you continue to stand there, staring at the items in the room, slowly taking them in, hoping the sight of something, ANYthing will jog your memory? Well it's sort of like that, except constant. I never goes away.

I have tried everything Ladies, to rid myself of this torturous state of debilitating idiocy. More sleep...I know right? But I did TRY! Increased caffeine consumption. Regular exercise, and healthy eating. Aromatherapy. Eventually I forgot what I was trying to do, or gave up depending on how you look at it. Despite my best efforts, for about 6 mos surrounding the birth of any child I become an inefficient, babbling, forgetful, and unreliable Mom.

Instead of bashing my head into a wall I try to remember that it IS temporary. At some point, I do get back on track. Until then , I just need to lighten my load, let my husband juggle the calendar, and accept the scatterbrain as humorous. I write everything down, from grocery lists to Drs. appointments and play dates. I always accept the understanding from others (especially those at schools, Dr's offices and other helpful service people) with grace and gratitude. Never underestimate the power of a sincere apology when Mommy Brian affects something serious like a late bill! After a few months I won't forget tuition payments, and the one thing I went to the grocery store to buy. I will once again become the Mom who remembers to wash the Karate uniform and pack extra juice boxes on Tuesdays. Until then.... wait.... what was I talking about again?

Don't Marry your Brother

We have been lots of conversations at my house about having babies. Who can have them? Mommy's. Where do you have them? Most often at the hospital. And of course how do you get them in your belly? Yikes! This is an expected topic, after all I am 7 months pregnant, but talk about uncomfortable! I do not want to have this talk with my daughter, but it has to be done.

I subscribe to the philosophy that as a parent you have an obligation to be truthful with your children, excluding childhood friendly ideals that are widely encouraged like the big jolly man in red. However, those truths have to be age appropriate. I am not going to have the "birds and the bees" conversation with my four year old, but I will tell my daughter that children grow from love. I told her that Mommy and Daddy love each other very much, that we are best friends, and from that love grew another brother or sister for her. That seemed to appease her curious mind and I felt great for concurring such a difficult topic.

Until this morning.

Little Britches "Mom when I grow up I want to get marry and have three babies."

Me "Sounds nice hun, who are you going to marry?"

Little Britches "My baby Ruby cousin because she's my best friend like Daddy is your best friend right Mamma? But not Mini Boots. He's not a best friend."

I almost pee'd my pants laughing so hard! So innocent and sweet. I adore that she thinks marriage is for best friends. Truthfully the strongest relationships are those with close friendships. Alright, I don't want her to marry her cousin, but even at four she's got something big figured out. Marry your most favorite person, and THEN have babies. And defiantly do not marry your brother. Ever.