The Mother of Resolutions

It's almost a new year. This last year flew by, I started the year feeling behind and I never really caught my breath. 2011 will be remembered as one of my busiest years yet. But I learned a lot, struggled some, and grew in ways I wasn't expecting. One of my biggest changes was becoming a runner. It reminded me of how confident I am, and showed me that I really do have endless potential. So I am making a few resolutions this year, and I believe completely that I will be the change I want to see.

1. More Badass Mother Runner- I've got my eye on two races, the first in March. A 15K. Wow. Scary and exhilarating wrapped into one long test of endurance. But I know I can do it, I've been training. I have no doubt I will feel amazing when I cross that finish line.

2. Less Mother Bummer Clothes- I want to wear less yoga's and more cute outfits. I want the outside to reflect what's been going on inside. A lot happened on the inside, and I feel wonderful. It's time to buy clothes that fit, flatter, and let my style shine. And yes, it's essentially a resolution to go shopping more, but who isn't on board with that? Well, maybe Super Boots.

3. More Mother Lover- I will love myself and give myself what I need to be happy. I will love my kids and I will love my husband with commitments of time and kindness. I will show them the strength of my heart through extra doses of patience which I will gain by taking care of myself. I will say yes to the things I can, as often as I can. I will read that extra story at night, let the messes sit a bit longer, I will make special dinners for Super Boots just because. I will invest in our family every chance I get, one little dash of love at a time.

4. Mother Ink- It's been in the works for a while, a new tattoo coming to me soon! It's meaningful and I can't wait.

We are all works in progress, and every resolution drives me closer to the person I want to be. Happy New Year!

Deep End

We took the plunge this week. After seeing yet another doctor, this one somewhat of a specialist, and getting another recommendation for medication we tried it. It was a holiday weekend so we would have four days at home to observe him, and watch closely for side effects or reactions. Thursday morning he took a pill (wow) and within 45 minutes I could see a change. I asked him about 30 times how he was feeling. But he was fine. He was more than fine. He was BACK.

It worked wonders, he wasn't so fidgety. He could play a game without having to literally sit on his legs to keep them from bouncing. He engaged me in a nice long conversations throughout the day. He smiled, and snuggled, and told me jokes. One of the most amazing things we saw was a confidence in his ability to communicate. He was clear and using longer sentences. Regularly. His language seemed to soar overnight. I always knew he had it inside and I knew he was struggling in therapy, but it never dawned on me that his ADHD would be affecting his speech. I. Was. So. Proud.

And then I fell apart. Because he is happier, and has moments of peace. And he is so well behaved. After two and a half years of struggle, fighting, and fear... I have some hope. The fact that he seems to be responding so well, well it just knocked me sideways. All the stress was released and I bawled like a baby. So this weekend I've been taking care of me by drinking my favorite wine and eating Thai food. I've had a couple of long runs and slept in. I'm enjoying my son's homecoming, we've been playing sonic and chutes and ladders and reading books and riding bikes. As Super Boots put it "It's been two and a half years, we deserve a weekend." Super Boots really is super. Mini Boots is surprising all of us. And its been a great weekend.

Lost at Sea

About six months ago we took Mini Boots to see a pediatric neurologist. There was the language disorder, but he wasn't socializing at school. He couldn't sit still during circle time. He wasn't sharing. And even though he knew all of his academics, he wouldn't pay attention during structured time. The teachers started throwing around words like Autism, and spectrum disorders.

I guess it wouldn't surprise anyone to know that during that time I started really running. Not just to get some exercise, but running until my legs were shaking, and one more mile was never enough. I felt if I ran far enough, fast enough I could escape my fears. And I was very afraid. More fearful than I have ever been. But at the appointment they didn't say Autism. They didn't say spectrum disorder. What they did say was every early indicator of ADHD.

And now six months later he is struggling even more than he has. His hyperactivity is debilitating. Our last professional described it as "one of the most extreme cases we have seen in a child his age." He is always moving. It is visibly painful for him to sit still even for half a minute. His therapies are becoming less and less effective, as he can not focus long enough to gain the benefits. His delays are becoming more substantial. At school he is so impulsive that his teachers are overwhelmed. But then again, we are too.

Super Boots and I have tried any and every home program to help, from diet to behavior modification programs, to increasing his physical activity. But he is still this way. It is not getting better, it just seems to get worse. It's starting to have an impact on our other children. Not unexpectedly the stress of keeping him constantly supervised and redirected and disciplined and caught being good, and everything else we do for him and the other two is taking a toll on us. But more than that, we MISS him. He is lost in a violent sea of constant motion and we can't seem to reach him. The pain of him slipping away is destroying me moment by moment, one day at a time.

So we are looking into medication. Something we never thought we would do. Something we hoped to avoid has become unavoidable. Yes he is young. But without? He will struggle everyday. After therapies don't work well enough, diets don't help enough, and professionals all agree its time to do this, we are listening. I'm listening because things have been so tough for him every single day, and I want him to feel happy, proud and peaceful. I'm hoping he gets to be himself again. Because who he is, well it's pretty amazing.

Wat's New Buckaroo?

Hellllooo Hellloooo Hellooo! Is there anybody out there? I have been busy, again. And even though I know three kids is just busy all the time I can't seem to prioritize properly these days. I'm always running late, behind on my laundry and well, everything else in my life. So don't take it personally blog readers. However I am back, and hoping to get back to semi regular posts. But you probably want to know what we have been doing, right?

Little Britches started Kindergarten. She loves it, she is excelling and beyond happy to get up and go to school everyday and eat hot lunch. Mystery meat anyone? She is reading and writing and has a new little boy best friend who she "loooovvess." Super Boots is really happy about that one.

Mini Boots is in preschool again, and its been a rough start for him.... lets just say school is tough for kids like him. But we have some new diagnosis and feel like we have gotten to the root of his struggles. It will get better for him. And in the meantime, he is obsessed with Lego's and video games. He can operate the xbox better than I. It's pretty cool.

Mighty Mouse is just a joy right now. He's at that young toddler stage where he runs like a drunken sailor and every word that comes out of his chubby cheeked face is all sing song and darling. He is all boy. His favorite pastimes include pushing his cars into every piece of kinda nice furniture I have, taking everything out of drawers and off shelves, and pulling things out of the garbage.

As for me? I've been training for a 10k, cooking in a crock pot while my amazing Super Boots remodels our kitchen, and have turned into a professional chauffeur. Oh yeah and I'm a Room Mom. Bet you didn't see that one coming....

Aaaannnd We're Done

Yup. We're done. Having babies that is. We haven't made it *cough cough* permanent, but it's in the works. This decision to have no more babies was pretty rough. It's an easy decision for some, but for us, I think it was one of the hardest decisions we've ever had to make. I will miss the "baby years" I know I will look back on them with the fondest of memories. I'll miss feeling a baby inside of me moving and shaking. I'll miss that feeling of quiet, peaceful bliss while holding my new baby in my arms. I'll never again feed them from my own body, and I'll never get that first smile again. After we had Mighty Mouse, Super Boots looked at me and said, "God this is amazing, lets do this again." What can I say, we love babies and so there is a bit of sadness that goes with this choice. I do feel a loss, so why the change of heart? Well, despite their reputation, babies are not nearly as work intensive as children. And since babies turn into children, despite our best efforts, we are at capacity. Here's how I know I have a full plate....

1. I'm a mommy moron. After my third, my brains fell out. I had it all down with two. I could keep a clean house, I could remember my appointments without a calendar. But now? I send the kids to school without a juice in their lunch at least twice a year. When people ask me "How old is your baby?" and I say things like "He's 14, no 15, no 14 months. Wait, what month is this?"

2. I'm tired. I've gotten about 10 nights of good sleep in nearly 6 years. I am lucky to sleep until 7:30 on a saturday people. If I take a nap I will wake to find children screaming because they thought it would be fun to jump on the bed. Of the top bunk. And when I try to go to sleep early, just as I drift off I remember that I forgot to wash the soccer jersey because my brains fell out. But if I stop having kids? In about 7 years they might sleep in once in a while... I've been told this happens, and I choose to believe it.

3. Let's just say hypothetically I had numero quatro. You know what would happen? It would be another boy. And then I would have three, THREE boys. Which basically means I can kiss this nice furniture (ok craigslist furniture, but I really love it) good bye. I would call the ER nurses by their first name because I'd spend three weeks of my life every year there. My hair will turn grey from saying things like "Don't make your brothers smell that" and "I don't care if he thinks it's funny, you can't wash your brother's hair in the toilet!"

We are happy with three. I feel like my family is complete. I'm sure I'll be stalking new mommies for a chance to hold their newborns, but I know in my heart it's time for us to move from having babies and get on with the business of raising children.

Run Mama Run

There have been a few times in my life when I have felt really accomplished. When I got my first store at twenty-two (yes I was in retail for a long while, and I loved it). When I put together a double stroller and neither child fell out of it on our road test. Unfortunately, Mommyhood doesn't lend itself towards feelings of accomplishment. You're not doing it, the kids are. There are many times my kids do something great and I beam with pride, but that's just not the same as if I concurred something myself. To be frank, I didn't realize I was missing that feeling until it smacked me in the face and changed how I feel about myself forever.

After Mighty Mouse was born, I started running to loose weight. I was facing a large weight loss goal and now with three kids, I had even less time to work out. Another motivator was some extended family members experiencing their own health issues. I knew it was now or never. I have dabbled in running before, but could never commit. I'd push too hard and fail, always returning to fast walking. But I wanted to get serious. After some research I found a 30 minute training program that fit perfectly into my busy mommy life. I used the c25k (couch to five kilometer) program on my iphone. The short intervals weren't intimidating to my out of shape Mommy Body and I thought "No Problem." But at the beginning I struggled to run for 90 seconds. Despite it being hard I somehow I managed to run the 90 seconds nine times in a row. I continued to push myself through the various milestones, 5 minutes, 8 minutes, 10 minutes, 20 minutes. And now? I can run for 30 minutes. I do it three times a week, most weeks, and am starting another training program called the One Hour Runner soon. I'm not at my goal, but I have lost weight. Believe me saying goodbye to pair of too-big-for-me-now jeans is awesome, but it isn't the weight loss that has changed me.

The unintended consequences of my running goals unfolded as feelings of accomplishment, strength. I discovered I actually LIKE to run. I catch myself smiling as I pound the pavement. It makes me happy. It's one of the only times I am completely alone. After each run my wobbly legs, sweat soaked shirt and heavy breathing are tangible reminders that I just RAN. I laced up my shoes and tackled something five years ago I never believed I would be capable of, never have done willingly, let alone looked forward too. Running has become less about weight, or even health and more about self confidence. What's most surprising is that on this journey to loose weight, I have become an athlete in my own mind. And I am never going back.

SPD and Me, err Mini Boots

Mini Boots finally received another diagnosis. Sensory Processing Disorder, also known as Sensory Integration Disorder. We all experience most of life though our senses, taste, touch, smell, and so on. While Mini Boots' brain takes in the same sensory information we all get, he has abnormal responses to normal stimuli. Which essentially means he feels out of sync. All the time.

He craves certain things, and avoids others. He still cries when he hears thunder. Mini Boots will hide in his room while I run the vacuume even though I give him lots of notice. And in class every tiny little noise as small as a child moving a chair in another classroom, or his teacher dropping a pencil will distract him. He loves to move, he is constantly jumping, running, and feels the most comfortable and balanced on the playground, riding bikes or in our pool. But on the other hand? He wants to jump in class, he wants to run around the house, and will plow you down if you are in his way. There is a saying "He just doesn't know his own strength" and in his case, this is absolutely true. Because his mind doesn't experience touch the same way ours does, his physical play is often rough.

You know that feeling when you dream that you're falling? And you wake up startled that you didn't hit the ground? Imagine if you felt like that several times a day. If that feeling of uncertainty about where your body is in space, wondering if you were going to smack into the ground or simply wake up was "normal" for you? For him that feeling is experienced so often it is a slice of normal in his world. Mini Boots lives his life feeling like he is literally riding a roller coaster everyday, all day. And to be honest, I am not sure how he handles it as well as he does. Now that we know we are getting him some help, Occupational Therapy to be specific. We are discovering how to communicate with him about how his body feels, and searching for the best ways to help him level off. And when he climbs all over me or tackles his siblings, I don't get irritated anymore. I just pick him up, squeeze him really tight feeling so proud of his progress on this journey... and then blow up the bouncy house so he can jump till he feels like himself again.

School's Out for Summer

School is officially out for summer, and I am scared. I am totally outnumbered. I will be relentlessly begging any and all relatives to come down for a visit and help me, or at least drink wine with me. But before we dive into our chlorine smelling endless days of "but MOOOOMMMM" I'd like to thank the teachers who took them off my hands a few days each week. And apparently they wanted to remind me how tough their job is over the final days of school. Here's how they did it:

1. The final artwork sent home was covered in glitter. The kids opened their bags to show me their last "Special" project, and about a pound of glitter covered my floor. And no matter how many times I sweep and mop, I'll be finding it until fall. So thanks for all the crafts. Really. Love it.

2. The final assembly/program/recital. Now I do love watching my littles show off their new skills, but for reals, if you tell me the program starts at one and it doesn't actually begin until 1:35, I have already lost my mind keeping the other kids quiet and happy. I mean I just can not pack enough snacks for this. And even though the whole reason I showed up is to get a couple of cute pictures for the grandparents, big hair sat in front of me again and all I got was a blurry shot of her bad dye job.

3. The endless requests for contributions towards the staff thank you luncheon, gifts for the teachers, gifts for the room moms and everyone else who works at the school down to the janitor who doesn't even know who my kids are. You're welcome. I hope you enjoy that spa day because I am now broke from the five hundred dollars it all totaled and no you won't see us at day camp because we can't afford it. Or anything else for that matter.

So Thanks teachers. Your job is HARD. And I know you need a break, please relax and recharge because after three months with me? My kids won't be able to get back in class fast enough.

MIA

I know, I haven't been around for a while. I hear it from everyone I know in my "real" life. "Why haven't you blogged?" "Oh that story would be a great blog!" "People miss reading about you and the kids!" I guess they expected me to feel good because I was missed, but all I really felt was pressure. Pressure to share my thoughts, which were private. Pressure to explain myself, which is the exact opposite of why I do this. I blog to get an outlet. I blog to laugh at the crazy. I blog because it feels good. And since it wasn't feeling good I wasn't doing it. The thing is, life hasn't been all that funny, in fact I would say life recently has felt overwhelmingly stressful. I wasn't ready to share the details and couldn't write without getting sucked into my own cycle of unfunny, stressful, crazy. So, I don't know where that leaves me, I am unclenching little by little. Maybe I'll be ready to share again soon. In the meantime... try to understand. I have three kids, two dogs, and one husband who all need a lot from me right now. Oh and I also have another IEP zit.

Mini Boots and What NOT to Say

Mini Boots has hit a snag with his Speech and Language therapy. When he came up for a progress report, we realized he is technically performing at the average level (can I get a woo woo?) The range is large and he is on the very lowest end, but it's still average. What I didn't know is unfortunately once you hit that range, our insurance will no longer cover his services. So our insurance isn't paying and our IEP sill isn't complete, which means we aren't getting services there either. The out of pocket cost to provide Language therapy is astronomical, but the alternative is letting him fall behind. As I parent I am not sure how to reconcile letting that happen, or how to accept going broke paying for it ourselves.

So I have been talking to people. Turns out I have some amazing friends who work in healthcare that spent a LOT of time trying to find a loop hole. (Thank you!) I read each medical jargon laden page of our plan and am officially an expert in "maintenance services." I posted it on my facebook because you never know who knows someone who can help. I begged my therapist to provide me with a home plan. And since she totally rocks she even gave me some extra time in our session to help me navigate it. So even though we are being proactive, I am discouraged, and pissed and about to bust out a stiletto. But as I have been talking to everyone about this, scrambling for help, what has been the second most irritating about this is the moronic things people say...

Here it is. My list of things never to say to a Mother of a Special Needs Kid:

1. "He doesnt look any different."
No. He doesn't. Surprisingly neither do you but there are obviously problems going on there.

2. "Do you work with him at home?"
No. We don't. We do however, let him watch the boob tube ten hours a day. And give him an endless supply of junk. Oh and we never talk or read or play with him. Ever. I'm sure it'll just go away eventually.

3. "My kid has the opposite problem. He's so smart."
Really? Well too bad he didn't get it from you or you'd realize having a Language/Learning disorder doesn't actually mean he's stupid. Too many big words?

4. "Well my kids was like that and it went away sooo..."
Look, either you're in denail or you're dumb. Now I'm leaning towards the latter because at some point you can't dig fast enough to keep your head in the sand. So your kid is either still struggling with his disorder or with the fact his Mom is an idiot. Poor kid.

Mini Boot's might not be able to articulate it but I can: My kid is smart and deserves all the world has to offer. No one will stop me form getting it for him. Not even the morons.

Short on it All

Since the new year began I seem to be short on everything. Short on time, short on money, short on patience. Not the best fresh start. And definitely not how I envisioned this year going. But it IS only January so I am going to give it sometime to sort itself out before I voluntarily commit myself. In the meantime here are a few "savers" I'm using to make my life smoother.

Time Savers
*Buy all cards and gifts AND wrapping for the month in one trip.
*Bonus if you can do this while also grocery shopping (Hello Super Target with a Starbucks).
*Responsibility chart is in full effect, kids must clean their rooms and put away all belongings including laundry. Who couldn't use a little child labor in their life?
*Mommy Inbox! Have kids put homework, bills, fundraiser forms, basically all important paperwork in one spot to be sorted and checked at your convenience (also known as in bed with a XXL glass of wine and Real Housewives on the boob tube).

Money Savers
*Buy items you use all the time in bulk. Like diapers, dinosaur chicken nuggets, juice boxes, cereal, wine... you know the basics.
*Check out Groupon for a date night. For kids stuff check craigslist before going to the store.
*Meal plan. Simple yet effective way to avoid the impulse buys, and you will probably eat better too!
*Find your local consignment store. Shop and sell whenever you can!
*Keep a list of things you and your kids need with you so you're less tempted to over shop. I have clothing lists (including sizes), restock lists and gift ideas on my phone.
*Swap babysitting with a friend.

Patience Savers
*Set your timers (one five minute warning ding can save your life) so kids know when they need to move on to something else.
*Make them responsible for as much as they can handle, but ensure they get rewarded from time to time so they will WANT to continue the desired behaviors.
*Wine. Lots of wine.

Maybe it'll help. Maybe by March I'll get in the swing of this... or maybe I'll just be short on everything until my kids are in college.

****Mommy Inbox idea curtesy of my friend Miss M. Thank You for sharing!****

My Aunt Lori and a Perfect Weekend Mini-Break

Have I blogged about my Aunt Lori? She's so fantastic. She's one of those Mom's who had a zillion kids (ok four, but between neighborhood kids and her own... that equals a zillion), could do it with her eyes closed and loves to help. It's kind of a dream whenever she comes. My kids adore her, and they seem to zen out when she is near. She calms me. She reminds me it's a hard job and I'd better ease up on my crazy supermom expectations and enjoy this time with my kids. Last time she came she taught me how to use my sewing machine and helped me make cafe curtains for my kitchen. This time she came she watched all three kids while my husband and I got a weekend out of town. A WHOLE WEEKEND. She did because she knew we needed it, because we have never even gone out to dinner on our anniversary, and because she is just that awesome.

Getting away with Super Boots was spectacular. We had an amazing time. We remembered how much we like each other. We rediscovered how much we enjoy exploring a new place, that we are aspiring foodie's and that no matter how cool and grown up martini's make us look, we hate them. So what did we do? Well...

We held hands while we walked (because we didn't have to keep kids close).
We lingered over meals (because no one was getting antsy).
We slept in (because no one needed breakfast or a diaper changed).
We left our hotel in the middle of the day (because there was no one demanding a nap with their terrible behavior).
We sat and watched the world go by on the river (because we didn't have kids to hawk eye).

We were so deep in the blur of kiddie needs we had almost forgotten what it was like to be only worried about us. So how do you say thank you to someone who offers such an amazing gift? How can you acknowledge that they gave you back a piece of yourself and let you invest in your relationship in a way only an out of town experience can? The truth is, you really can't. But here's what makes my Aunt Lori so amazing. She already knows. She gets how important it is to be a husband and wife, with no kids from time to time. I am forever grateful to have someone say to me "Liz. You need this. Don't worry about us, we'll be fine. But you, my dear, you need to do this." So Thanks Aunt Lori. I wouldn't have asked for it, but you were right, I needed it. We needed it. And I will be forever grateful.

It's a New Year

I have made a lot of resolutions over the years. Most of the time they stick. But when I speak to people about their own resolutions the responses are varied but similar in that they expect not to follow them. I always make every effort, and even if I slip up, I keep trying. It seems like the new year is a fresh start, a time to reflect on how we can improve ourselves and set personal goals. Am I in the minority? Because I will choose to work on myself?

This year I am making three.

*Spend time with myself. I will take the time to nurture the things that make me feel good, whole. I will invest in my relationship with myself as I would a relationship with a dear friend. I will take myself out for coffee, and treat myself to a girls day at the spa. I will build in time to exercise because it makes me feel strong. I will spend quiet time with a book because it brings me peace. I will be more sensitive to my needs. I will support my passions as important.

*Eat my fruits, veggies and protein. I love this one. I started this last year, focusing on fruits and veggies, and it changed my view on food as well as the kinds of food that make me energized. I am adding protein to the list this year hoping to work on balanced plates.

*I will define and maintain personal boundaries. We all have people in our lives who don't bring positive energy. And if it's someone you love not providing a supportive space, emotionally separating yourself can be especially difficult. After years of not being fulfilled by someone claiming to be a loving member of my life I will no longer allow my own sadness and fear of loss to dictate the course the relationship takes. And I will be better for it. I feel lighter just saying it!

I guess there is a theme.... taking care of myself. And I deserve to be taken care of. So this is MY year.

Belated Thankful List

***I was going to publish on Thanksgiving, but didn't... obviously I suck***

This year my Thankful list is long. I have three wonderful children who make me laugh, give me the opportunity to exercise patience and strengthen my ability to show devotion and intense love. I have married my best friend, the only person who makes me laugh when I am so angry I could punch someone, the only person who has ever supported me not matter what I say or do. We have a house we have made a home together. I am never alone in this life because I have a few friends I know will be with me until my hair is blue and my teeth are in a jar. And we all have our health. I am living the life I love, and for that I am Thankful.

Update

I have totally sucked at blogging for the last 10 days. First I got sick, which is not allowed in Mommyhood. Then we traveled 2200 miles to see family for the Thanksgiving Holiday. Just in case you are wondering it was 39 1/2 hours in the car round trip, 5 of which Mighty Mouse screamed non stop. Also, I had some minor computer issues which I chose to ignore until we got home. But now we are home! So I DO have some catching up to do, but hopefully I will be able to put up the 3 days of posts I missed and regularly scheduled posts. Bear with me! Also Christmas is in 26 days, 2 hours and 9 minutes. You're welcome.

Road Trip Lessons

There are a few things you need to know before traveling over 400 miles with your kids in the car.

1. They will cry for McDonalds every time they see one. And you will give in at every meal time because they give toys. Which will keep them quiet for 30 minutes.

2. Legos, Play Dough and Puzzels are awesome. But not on a road trip.

3. The only thing more annoying than hearing "Are we there yet?" is "Mom I have to pee." Because you have to stop. And once they know you have to stop... they have to pee every twenty minutes.

4. You will spend half the trip telling them "Ok. I heard you. But there is nothing I can do about it right now!"

5. No matter how organized you are, you will a) not be able to get to what you need or b) you will have forgotten it.

6. You must wear sweatpants (or even better yoga pants) because your ass will grow an entire dress size in one trip. Because you are stopping at McDonalds every 4 hours.

But hugging the people you traveled twenty hours, seventeen happy meals, and countless pee breaks to see? Totally worth it.

Road Trip To Do:

We are going on a road trip for Thanksgiving. The kids, my 24 year old cousin and myself will be driving to Chicago. The drive is almost 17 hours not including breaks for peeing, breastfeeding, eating and playing. I have been planning, sorting, listing and packing for three days. Wanna know what the list looks like? I thought so....

1. Wash winter clothes.
2. Pack Little Britches clothes.
3. Pack Mini Boots clothes.
4. Pack Mighty Mouse clothes... crap. He has no winter clothes.
5. Go Shopping for Mighty Mouse winter clothes.
6. Wash new winter clothes.
7. Pack Mighty Mouse clothes.
8. Repack Little Britches because I can not shop for clothes without buying her something new.
9. Wash my clothes.
10. Start to pack, remember that I have to take the car in before they close.
11. Take car in for oil change and tire rotation. Wish Super Boots was here to deal with car crap.
12. Clean car. Find 22 french fries, 2 half empty juice boxes, 67 cents. Wish even more Super Boots could take over car stuff.
13. Pack toys for kids in the car.
14. End up sorting all of toys they own just to find the Leapster. Realize half their toys are broken, out grown or annoying.
15. Bring sorted toys to Goodwill.
16. End up buying more toys at Goodwill
17. Pack kids toys.
18. Pack for myself. Realize everything I want to bring doesn't fit or is dirty.
19. Wash my clothes again.
20. Pack snacks for the road.
21. Go to the grocery store because we have nothing that qualifies as "road food."
22. Realize I left my laundry in the wash and now it has a slight oder. Re-wash.
22. Pack snacks.
23. Clean house.
24. Find 34 things I need to bring on the trip and repack.
25. Pack my clothes, finally.
26. Load car. Realize I suck at this and kinda hate Super Boots for being gone. (Because he totally would rather be there than going to see family for Thanksgiving with his family).
27. Have a nagging feeling I am forgetting something but know that can not be possible as I have almost the entire contents of my house loaded into the mini van.
28. Get Gas.
29. Remember I did forget something. Shoes.
30. Feel thankful for Walmart, get shoes, more snacks and a Christmas decoration for the car.
31. Put on Christmas music and try to forget that we are going 1100 miles for Thanksgiving with three kids... and no Daddy.

Yeah, I love road trips... once we are on the road that is.

Meltdown City

Today I took a trip to Meltdown city. Population Little Britches and Mini Boots. Oh...and the entire school... plus every child's parents. Yup I was that Mom today. The one whose kids are loosing it in front of everyone. It was horrible. As you know the kids have been a little under the weather. Since they had been home for three days, I made the executive decision to send them to school. After all it was the Thanksgiving program, and I didn't want them to miss it over a cold.

During the program they did really well. Mini Boots got a case of stage fright and refused to sing but did all the hand motions. Little Britches lit up when she saw me and sang louder than any other child. Their costumes we darling and they couldn't have been more adorable. But as soon as I picked them up from their classrooms, the melting began. The worst of it came just as we were in line for the luncheon. Mini Boots was crying for a cookie, and Little Britches began playing following the leader with the naughty kid whose parents don't care. So when I told her to stand still she burst into tears and chimed in on Mini Boot's need for an cookie right now. I'm in line, both are crying, and then the baby starts wailing. Perfect. Of course, I am like we are outta here. No lunch, no cookie, lets just go.

Just as I was scooping them up and running for the door, someone took pity on me and my poor parenting skills. Thank God for compassionate teachers. One came up and offered a helping hand, got the kids cooled down and let me tend to the baby. And Thank God for cousins. Because she got the kids food, drinks and the coveted cookie. Even though it was all a disaster, I am accepting that I need some help, and learning to take it when it's offered. And that's ok. Especially when you live in Meltdown City.

Put Those Cars in Row Again and I Will Panic

Every time anyone puts anything in a row around here I FREAK OUT. Did you know that lining things up is an early sign of Autism? Well it is. And since I have a son with speech and language issues (also an indicator) I have an eagle eye for toys lined up. Do all kids do this? Yes. It's called categorizing and is an important part of development, but the thing about having a kid with any kind of disorder means you are living in fear that they will uncover something else. Or that another one of your children will have it, or something worse.

One of the bigger fears I hold is having a child on "The Spectrum." Autism and Asperger's are scary. They are scary because there are a lot of theories about how you get them, and theories about what to do once you have them, but it's not a direct road. There is no A+B = success, no cure. So the Mom's are left to try on therapies until they find one that fits, and hopefully helps. It's daunting. My heart goes out to the Mom's who support their kids through this maze. They aren't just trying to find help, they are trying to unlock the chains around their own children. On a much smaller scale, I know how hard that can be.

When my kids don't answer me after I call their name, or they are avoiding eye contact, I get a little surge of anxiety. God forbid one of them starts flapping their hands (aka self stimulating). I know that getting the diagnosis is the easy (emotionally debilitating) part, but then you can more on and start fighting for your child (less crying with your family, more crying in Dr's offices). But I am always asking for reassurance Mini Boots is not included in the 1 of every 94 boys diagnosed. That number is even higher for military families. Although most likely it would have presented itself already, and thankfully has not, I have another little boy coming up in the ranks. I feel the need for continued vigilance.

In my life I have had a couple of friends whose children clearly had something going on, but they, the parents, were in denial. They couldn't admit it, thought the child would grow out of it, and made excuses not to address whatever it was. But in that scenario the only one punished is the child. If they are not diagnosed, they can not receive help. And I refuse to be one of those Mom's who lets fear paralyze them. If you think something might be going on, put on your big girl panties and deal, because the only one who will pay for your denial is that sweet helpless child of yours.

Mom Jeans=Bad. Mom Bag=Awesome.

There are some things that Mom's are known for. Some are good, and some are not. Like Mom Jeans. We all have friends who wear them, and they are just bad. I mean the high waist? The tapered leg? There is no getting around it, they are horrible. And they just scream I am Mom, nothing more. There also is the Mom bag and we all need them, however they can be pretty bad too. But if you put a little effort into finding something stylish and functional, your bag will keep the Mommy under wraps and make you feel good about rocking it. I love mine.

I was never a big diaper bag girl. I used one for a few months afer I had Little Britches, but never loved it. Don't get me wrong it was exceptionally functional and my organizational side loved all the pockets, but I resisted using it long term. I needed a bag that looked like me. Sooner than most, I went back to my purse. Before kids I was used to carrying tiny little purses, so for christmas Super Boots got me a big, beautiful Coach bag. It doesn't look like a Mom bag, but it is. I love it and I still use it four years later. I have room for everything I could ever need. Or that you might need. Cause that's the thing about a Mom bag. Even in disguise, they contain all kinds of tricks to get several people through the day.

Sure I have your standard issue diapers, wipes and snacks. But my Mom bag also has Tide-to-Go mini (you all know how I feel about miniature things, in fact, lets just assume almost everything in the bag is miniature... cause it is) just in case you have a coffee dribble or a sweet potato spit up. And it has bandaids, ointment, ibuprofen and spare zip-locks for bloody wipes or poopey diapers. I have bows for Little Britches, and party packs of play dough, crayons and one tiny coloring book for the days we get stuck somewhere. Lolly pops for the rare bribe, not to mention a note pad for bloggy notes, five lip glosses, two lotions, Purell (this might be the only non miniature item, cause we got through that like crazy). I keep a manicure and sewing kit as well as a flashlight. It is all organized into a few cosmetic bags of varying sizes. I am pretty sure any Mommy emergency could be handled as long as I have my Mom bag.

So even if you hate anything that makes you look like a mom (Mini Van) the Mom bag is one I totally recommend embracing. Just find one that suits your non-Mommy inner sense of style. And when someone spills on their new blouse dig into your bag of tricks like the Mom that you are. Cause mom bags are awesome. What do you have in yours?