Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Why I Don't Go In

Super Boots is home! I can't believe I survived.... and more importantly that my kids did as well. Usually he comes home at ungodly hours so we wait in the car, and he comes to us. But THIS time, he came home during the day! And I had a friend who was also going to be there, she is nice and funny, seems like a good Mom and so far she seems to like me too. (Eventually she'll figure out I'm all jaded and sarcastic). So I decided to go in. My kids made signs, I dressed them in their cutest red, white and blue and hoped for the best.

But instead I got this....

*We walk in holding signs and excited*

Me- "Ok guys you know the rules... best behavior"
Mini Boots- "Yeah Daddy Home! " and he begins jumping like a pogo stick... boing boing boing....
Little Britches- "Ohh look Mom Helicopters! I wanna be a helicopter. Vrrrrrrrrr" Starts running in a circle, 'wings' out.
Mini Boots- "Me too. Vrrrrrrrr"
Me- "You guys can only be helicopters in the kiddie area. Go. Over. There."
Mini Boots- boing boing boing... vrrrrrrr..... boing boing boing

*I beging to regret coming inside*

Me- "Alright guys, lets line up and hold our signs out so Super Boots sees us!"
Mini Boots- boing boing boing
Little Britches- Vrrrrrrrrrr

*And then Mini Boots proceeds to hang on the doors that say emergency exit, and I see the Super Boots Boss giving me the evil eye. I wanted to crawl into a hole. And my friend is all awesome and "They're just excited, everyone gets it." Which makes me more embarrassed because my kids are the ONLY ones acting out aviation fantasies*

Me- "Oh god. Alright, you have to stay still. Be a tree."
Mini boots- Boing boing boing... "No Mommy, don't pick up. Mommy NO. BWAHHHHH!"
Little Britches- "I don't want to be a tree. I want to be a HELICOPTER."
Me- teeth clenched "Be a TREE. Or I will...." sigh...
Mini Boots- Boing boing boing

And then Daddy walks in, and they are QUIET. Eyes on the floor, they barley say Hi. But by now I am stress sweating and the first thing out of my mouth is... "Hi! So can we get out of here NOW?"

And that is why we will no longer go in for pick ups. Because my kids are not trees. They are helicopters and pogo sticks and I want my husband to come home to a Mommy who doesn't need a valium and margarita cocktail.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Mini Boots, One Year Later

My son, Mini Boots, was diagnosed eleven months ago. Expressive Language Disorder. Receptive Language Disorder. Speech Articulation Disorder. Each diagnosis felt like a bomb exploding in my heart. My vision of his easy, carefree childhood was gone. I was overwhelmed with grief. So I cried, hard. I called my family, hugged my husband, kissed my kids and ate about a pound of chocolate. In one weekend. And then I moved forward. I could continue to cry, but that was not going to help him. He was only two so he sure couldn't help himself! It was my job as his Mom to generate a change in focus.

I realize there is no easy fix for language development, and each child's journey will be different. So I came up with a plan, I got him into a Speech and Language Pathologist twice a week. I asked her a million questions every chance I got, and diligently reported his developments at home. I watched her work with him, and started mimicking what she did as well as teaching my husband to do the same. I integrated "table time" where we sit and drill, or play a speech focused game into our daily routine. We do vowel sounds when we brush our teeth. We practice hard consonant sounds in the car. It's become a lifestyle.

Now here we are, almost a year later and I am amazed how well early intervention has worked for him. When we started this journey he had ten words. He said Hi and Bye, Mom and Dad, Milk and Juice, Car and Go, Yes and No. But now? He talks, like ALL the time. You can have conversations with him. For example we were at the grocery store:

Mini Boots: I don wan da cookie wit da color. I wan da cookie wit da chocolate!
Me: You get what you get now say thank you.
Mini Boots: NO! I don wan dis cookie.
Me: Ok, I'll give it back.
Mini Boots: No Mommy, is my cookie. No Mommy.

AND

Mini Boots: I wanna pull up wit a Buzzzzz. Not a train.
Me : Well, the trains are on sale sweetie, so we get what we get.
Mini Boots: NOOOOO! I wanna BUZZZ. A boo Buzzz.
Me: No.
Mini Boots: Mayyyybeee a train pull up and da Buzzz toy.
Me: Still No.
Mini Boots: WHAAAAAA!

His voice is clear and understandable. He is confident in his ability to express his needs, and wants. Listening to him communicate all the thoughts in his little head was something I hoped for. It was something for which I worked hard. And I cant help but ask myself.... why did we want him to talk again?

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Out Pops Lefty

Ever have one of those friends who dresses ummm, shall we say inappropriately for her situation? Well I do. And even though I love her to bits, I just wish she'd be a bit more practical about how she dresses. Because she has kids. And if you have kids you know that even when your skirt is considered to be a conservative length, all it take is one climbing through your legs (because the cashier said Hi and they're SHY) and the whole grocery store sees your panties. We already tempt fate just by leaving the house! So take my word for it, there are at least three items of clothing a Mom should not wear with her kids around.

1. Tube Top- Because those boobies are sagging lady and all it takes is one little tug by toddler who needs to get your attention and OOPS! Out pops lefty. Please, no one wants to see that.

2. Low Cut jeans- Ever tried to "Mother" without bending down? At all? Nope you can't do it. And when you're in those hip hugging, low cut jeans and you bend over, well... I see a lot of crack... and Crack is Whack! So I know you think you're avoiding the Mom Jeans by squeezing yourself into a pair of trendy skinnie's but please, for the sake of burning retinas all over. Find a happy medium.

3. Mini Skirts- Again with the bending over! Except this time, I'm looking at your vag. That you popped at least one child out of. Do yourself a favor and if you need to show off your thighs, wear shorts.

So even though the weather is getting hotter and I KNOW you think you can rock it, please don't. At least until date night.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Oh Sister

Actual conversation between my sister and I:

*Sister- By the way, I am totally in the Mom's club. I'v been peed on, pooped on, spit up on, and she screamed for two hours on the drive to the cabin. Such joy!
*Me- LOL. Welcome to the Mafia.
*Me- Mighty Mouse only wants to breastfeed when I am standing up (so relaxing) or laying down (which I totally have time for every two hours).
*Sister- Seriously. Can they make it any harder on us?
*Me- I don't want to know. Because I am pretty sure the answer is yes.

And then Little Britches decided to paint her toe nails (my bathroom floor is now a lovely shade of red).... and Mini Boots pooed in his pants on the way to the toilet... while I was laying down breastfeeding.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Loosing Your Mommy Mind

My kids are creatures of habit. They like their routine. (Gee I wonder where they get that?) And so when one of my BFF's from our life in Hawaii came for a visit with her three kids, well, you might say it was a little overwhelming for them. I couldn't have been happier! She cooked, cleaned, did my laundry, helped with the baby.... have I mentioned I totally need a wife? But my kids turned into naughty little munchkins. So even though I knew WHY they were misbehaving, and I TRIED to keep it as normal as possible, it was still tough on them. And there were a few moments when I knew I was going to loose my mommy mind! Thank goodness the HIBFF gets it, but as the week drew to a close, I had uncovered a few warning signs. And since kids SMELL your annoyances like dogs smell fear, watch out. Once they know you're struggling... they really go in for the kill!

How to Recognize When You are Going to Loose Your Mommy Mind-

*Feelings of ineffectiveness and aggravation.
*Sudden urge to down a bottle of wine.
*Dreams of running screaming down your street naked in the hopes of being committed to a mental hospital. No phones? Peaceful padded room? Meds? Sounds like a plan to me!
*Rapid heart rate, shallow breath and tummy troubles... followed by chugging of pepto.
*Futile attempts to solve the problems with disney channel and juice boxes only lead to more frustrations.
*Saying "If I have to tell you one more time..." 18 times in a row.

Unfortunately there is really only one cure. Night out with booze and buddies. That's right. Only Jose and his posse can save you now! If any of these signs persist for longer than one hour, call a sitter and head out. Because no one likes it when Mommy looses her Mommy Mind.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Nice to Meet You

So here's the deal guys, I have been pouring over blogs and I have totally found some new ones I love! But they all have one thing in common. Names have been changes to protect the innocent. Or in my case, the guilty. I love a good nick name, so I couldn't resist. But of course you have to know who it is I am talking about.... which brings us to this blog. Now you already know I am Liz, but you might not know my kids names... and if you know my hubby's name, well it's changing.....

Super Boots AKA Daddy- I think the boots portion is obvious, (if you read this) and 'super' just fit. Because in my little corner of the world he is a super hero. An amazingly brave, self sacrificing, kiddie corralling, dinner making, grocery getting, hilarious Super Man... err Boots.

Little Britches AKA Daughter and Oldest Child- Because she is too big for her britches most days, and I thought calling her sassy pants was mean. She is the total boss lady and runs the boys in our house like only an (admittedly cute) evil genius can.

Mini Boots AKA Son #1 and Middle Child- He looks like and exact copy of Super Boots... but miniature. And don't we all love things that are miniature?

Mighty Mouse AKA Son #2 and Baby- Because for the longest time he barley peeped, and when he did, he squeaked. Until he was screaming for boob.... hence Mighty Mouse.

So there you have it. My family. I love them all... until about 8:15 am when I dream of childless tropical vacations.

Guest Blogger - New Mom Must Haves

****I know you have all been on the edge of your seat waiting for my super stylish (and new Mom) sister to send us her Guest Blog on how to be a Stylish Mommy... and the wait is finally over! She is amazing, I know you think I'm biased, but seriously... she IS. Check out her blog HERE. One read and you'll agree!****

Stylist, fashion writer and new mom Meredith Mortensen shares a few of her secrets on how to be a stylish mom.

I knew I'd be busy when I became a mom. But I could never anticipate just how busy I would be. With little time for myself, its easy to become frumptastic. You know what I'm talking about. Living in sweatpants and showering only once in a while. (Editors Note: I tried to warn her, I swear!)

Luckily for me, and all the other new moms out there, I've discovered a few things that make me feel like, well, like a hip mom. So if you've vowed to never own a mini-van or wear mom jeans - read on! (Editors Note: Hey! Are you saying I cashed in my cool card when I got my mini-van? I don't think so.... I am totally the coolest Mom at Karate! Ummm.... yeah.....)

Breastfeeding Tank Tops
Okay, I'll admit it. It seems like anything that has the words breastfeeding and tank top in the same line would be completely uncute. Turns out, that's so false. There are some adorable breastfeeding tank tops out there. And since I wear one every day, I was happy to discover these stylish options. My favorites are in cute patterns and bright colors.

Cute Cardigans
It's my go-to mom outfit: A breastfeeding tank top and a cute cardigan. It's so functional and user-friendly yet still cute. And wearing a cardigan always makes me feel more put together.

The New "It" Bag
No, I'm not talking about Chanel or Balenciaga. The new "it" bag for moms is a diaper bag. There are some fabulous diaper bags that really make a statement. You can leave your handbag at home and just toss your wallet in these tastefully designed bags. In bold colors and unique prints, these diaper bags will quickly become your new favorite accessory.

So there you have it. A few things I can't live without as a new mom. (Editors Note: See? Told ya. No pajama jean).

****Thanks So Much Meredith! Be sure you take a few minutes to read Styled Northwest!****

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Mom-versation

Ever tried to have a conversation with a Mom while her kids are up? Yeah. It's a little ADD. And it usually goes something like this...

*Friend "Hi! How are you?"
*Mom "Oh HI! I have been meaning to call... (Sweetie, Mommy is on the phone, wait just a minute.)"
*Friend "So how are you doing?"
*Mom "Pretty well, I mean things are nuts as usual but... hang on.. (Oh you want milk, ok just give me a sec.)"
*Mom "So are you guys still doing that ... (Well I am sorry it's not in the Valentines cup, just drink it. I'm on the phone.)"
*Friend "Are you guys busy? I can call you back."
*Mom "No no, just the usual. So what was I asking you? Oh yeah are you guys going to the preschool carnival?"
*Friend "Ummm, I think so. But you know little man has had an ear infect..."
*Mom "(I am ON THE PHONE. No you can not have lunch it's only 10am... and don't hit your brother) Sorry. So if he's feeling up to it you'll be there?"
*Friend "Yeah. Lets just hope he's feeling better by then."
*Mom "(I SAID don't hit your brother!) Ok... Hang on (Who wants to watch a Movie?) Ok I'm back. Sorry what were you saying?
*Friend "Dora to the rescue?"
*Mom "Yup, lets see how long this lasts. Anyway I really hope you guys can make... (What? Well I'm sorry its the wrong Dora, but I. AM. ON. THE. PHONE.)"
*Mom "Yeah I'm gonna have to let you go."
*Friend "No problem I get it, but hey call me later."
*Mom "Sure, will do, gotta go! (Alright who got out the markers?)" click....

You may think we don't want to talk, but that is not true at all. We LOVE to have adult conversations but for some reason we get on the phone and our kids decide to turn into naughty little munchkins that have a black hole of needs! They know we're distracted and if we're not careful the markers end up coloring our couches and we will loose our Mommy minds. So do me a favor, let me call you during nap time, or better yet after they're in bed. Because I really do care, I just... (Seriously, put away the MARKERS. NOW.)... ok. Where was I? Oh yes. I guess the same goes for blogging...

Bringing the Crazy

I have been trying to make some Mommy friends and I can accept that we all bring a little bit of crazy with us into the Mommyhood (hello cleaning schedule). But is it just me or does being a Mom bring all the weirdness usually contained by social norms to the surface? I'm not talking about the bat-shit crazy hovercraft Moms (ummm she's 8, let her climb the monkey bars already) or the looney tunes stage Moms (Tiaras and Toddlers) but the regular Mom's out there who go a little overboard... with the best of intentions. I've decided that a little bit of nuttiness is normal and a few of the crazies I've met along the way have become great friends. Well you know... birds of a feather....

*Granola Moms- This Mom is pretty devoted, she makes all her own baby food, uses cloth diapers and totally composts. But she also breastfeeds until they go to kindergarden and still shares the "family bed" with her nine year old. So don't feel bad that you weaned when your little girl when she got her first chomper (that shiz hurts)! I'm not saying the Native people of wherever didn't do it the best way for them, but we are in a new time... where we all have our own rooms... for sleeping in.... by ourselves.

*Nosy Nellies- We are all a little curious about how things go down in other houses. (Is bath time a nightmare for anyone but me?) But there is a line of curiosity we just don't need to cross at the Mommy and Me Music Class. However, this Mom wants to know every detail about your life from what kind of diaper cream you use to how your stitches healed post episiotomy (Is your vag ever the same? Ummmm I am not telling you that EV.ER.) Most likely its just her insecurities getting the best of her, and hey we all have moments like that.

*The Clinger- She checks to see which swim lessons your kids are taking to make sure your in the same class and stops by whenever she's on your side of town. But hey she's always up for hanging and never leaves your calls unreturned. She's basically harmless. She's just lonely and likes you. A lot. Give her some boundaries and try not to go ape shit when she gets upset that you had coffee with your neighbor.

*Cell Phone Appendage Mom- Ok I get it, I miss talking to adults too. And I only really have time for one phone conversation a day, (thank God for texting otherwise some of my awesome Mommy friends might only hear from me once a month) but seriously you gotta put the phone down from time to time. Like when your kids are playing at the park, or when they are screaming for the Ariel Doll at Target. This is not the time to update your facebook status to "kids going insane and taking me with them." Because if you don't pay attention to them I will throw the damn doll at your head.

*Scheduled Mom- The kids are playing at the park and being GREAT. Like you could sit down and read a book good (not that you would... but still). But when she looks at her watch, its 11:45, and lunch is as 12:00 followed by a nap at 12:30. So instead of wavering on the timeline and being a little tiny bit flexible, she scoops her kids up (kicking and screaming) and drags them home. Because she has a schedule people! (I may have some first hand knowledge of this Mom. I mean... it might have been me. Maybe.)


You've heard me mention Cool Mom Camouflage, but these Mom's are not necessarily toxic like Competitive Mommy. They are a little out there, but for the most part these Mom's are just trying to connect with someone and do what they think is the best for their kids. Mommyhood can be isolating, and many Moms think they need to come across a certain way to be accepted. So they overcompensate by banning sugar or asking new friends to overshare. But if we just accept each other for the Mom's we are, we might not need to camouflage the crazy. And that's all I'm saying.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Weeding Sucks and Other Life Lessons

So I know everyone is sick of hearing about me surviving another deployment but... too bad! Because I have really learned a lot this time around, and conquering all these new challenges has made me feel pretty awesome. I had a ton of visitors this time and each one has helped me discover something new about myself and my abilities. If my husband had been home to just take care of the man chores, I never would have forced myself out of my comfort zone and tackled what once seemed insurmountable (maintaing the yard). Of course some of these jobs I will happily hand over as soon as he walks in the door, but knowing I can do it feels pretty good. Here's what I learned....

*You need gas AND oil to run a lawn mower.
*How to make curtains, my self threading sewing machine gathered dust for way too long.
*Pool maintenance is all about consistency.
*Get all the kids seen at the doctors when you go, because you wont want to do it again for a looonnnggg time.
*Power tools are fun.
*Weeding is not.
*Outdoor umbrellas should be taken down BEFORE a thunder storm.
*It is possible to take three kids under five to the grocery store and actually get groceries...as long as you bring cookies.
*Wine has actually saved a life... three little lives to be specific.

It might not seem like an impressive list to anyone but me, but I know when he comes home I have grown. Of course I've killed a few of his flowers and they may be a few brown patches in the grass, but I've juggled more this time than I ever have and I am no longer afraid I can't do it. Instead I am convinced that even if it seems hard I'll get it done. On no sleep. Anyone have a Super Mom cape I can borrow?